Fumbling for Words

This site is moving to its own domain!

2010-01-31T23:14:00.000-06:00

At the ripe old age of 5, I thought it was high time this blog grew up and moved out on its own. So I staked my corner of the web and set up camp.

Introducing... http://www.fumblingforwords.com/

Please be sure to change your bookmarks, bloglines, favourites, rss feeds - whatever - so that you don't miss anything. I've got a fun little video up there today to celebrate the move.

Pity party cut short

2010-01-29T14:56:00.001-06:00

Sometimes just a snippet of conversation is enough to turn your day around. Sometimes you don't even need to be part of that conversation for it to take effect.

I was having a grumpy, no-good, very bad day. There was really nothing significantly wrong - it was just one of those days when the gremlins were winning. You know the ones... "you're not talented enough, you shouldn't bother trying, you're wasting too much time, you're not focused enough, nobody will listen to you, you might as well forget about the proposal you sent in yesterday - it'll never happen."

I was walking through the skywalk at lunch time, heading for the far-away food court where I could feel sorry for myself and eat unhealthy food without any colleagues finding me. Didn't I deserve to eat fast food crap, after all? Hadn't I earned the right for a little pity party with extra calories?

"He lit himself on fire when he was 2 years old." That was the first snippet I caught from the woman on the cell phone power-walking past me. It was enough for me to quicken my pace to keep up with her.

"He had burns all over his body, one of his hands fell off and all of the fingers on the other hand fell off."

"With only one thumb, he learned to tie his shoes at 12 years old and he said that changed his future."

"Now he's a famous drummer. If he can do that, there is NOTHING that I can't do."

That was all I heard, but that was enough to shift something inside of me. What the heck was I doing, moping around with this "poor me, I'm a failure" attitude?

I ate my lunch, but it was curry instead of mac-crap. When I got back to my desk, I googled "drummer with no hands". Sure enough, the story was true.

And if he can live without excuses, why can't I?

Art of the body

2010-01-27T22:08:00.002-06:00

How does one prepare for the day when a surgeon will cut off a piece of what makes one a woman?

I've been thinking a lot about bodies lately. Christine intrigued me with her choice of "embody" as her word for the year. And then Leah invited us to focus on the body as our creative muse this month. So since the beginning of the month I've been contemplating how I wanted to incorporate "body" into my creativity. I was full of ideas and just needed the time to play with them.

Then the envelope came in the mail. The envelope that held the letter that says in simple Times New Roman font, as though it were no more important than my daughter's next soccer practice, that my breast reduction surgery has been booked for March. Gulp. Suddenly all creative ideas were blocked and all I could think of was "I'm going to lose a piece of what makes me a woman."

Don't get me wrong - I really want this surgery. I chose it. I'm so tired of the aching back, the carvings in my shoulders, the sore ribs from impossible under-wires, the impossibility of finding double H bras for less than my mortgage payment, the shirts that never fit, the near earthquake that's caused when I try to jog - all of it. I want it to be over.

But that doesn't mean it's not complicated. It took me a long, long time to come to this decision, and I won't back down now, but there are so many mixed emotions that play tricks with one's mind. All of those memories of the babies I've nursed, the pleasure I've shared with my husband, the aching fullness of unused milk when the baby who was meant to nurse has left this earth - they're all wrapped up in my identity, my shape as a woman.

And then there is the message I'm sending to my daughters. Is it okay for me to have plastic surgery, when I want to encourage them to value their bodies and not let media images dictate how they view what they see in the mirror? I would be lying if I didn't admit to myself that at least part of the reason for this decision is about my own complicated body image.

Tonight I finally had time to disappear into my studio for awhile to play with paint, ideas, memories, heartache... and breasts.

I started with a few of those images that surround us - the perfect bodies with the perfect breasts. No, those aren't the only reasons for this choice, but I have to at least acknowledge them and let them be a part of the picture. And the truth is, not even those women in the magazine ads are completely content when they look in the mirror.

As I prepare for this journey, I will try to acknowledge the hope and the hurt, the beauty and the ugly, the truth and the lies I tell myself. I know that I will be changed in more ways than one.

P.S. I had thought I'd be a little more private about this journey, but for some reason, I feel compelled to share it here. I know that you, my kind readers, will hold these words gently in your hearts as you have so often done when I've been vulnerable. If you're interested, I first wrote about it here, when I went for my original consultation with the surgeon.

Drawing Class (so far)

2010-01-26T21:23:00.000-06:00

Week #2 - perspective...

Week #3 - still life with charcoal...

And I am a happy, happy girl!

Getting through the week

2010-01-25T11:48:00.004-06:00

First it was the weariness from five days away (some of which included a fairly intense staff retreat). Then it was the scrambling energy it took to start filling a small role in response to the Haiti disaster (communicating, responding to donors & media, issuing appeals, looking for appropriate images, writing web text and ad copy, etc., etc.). Add the ups and downs of the ongoing drama of motherhood and management. Throw in two very different (mostly good) pieces of news that are potentially life-changing and that carried me into an odd introspective space. (No, I'm not prepared to talk about them here yet - maybe later.) Add a few complicated relationships. Top it all off with a major screw-up in which I totally overlooked a presentation I was supposed to give (ugh). And there you have it - the week that was.

Now you know why I was mostly silent last week and will probably continue to be much of this week. There are only so many balls a woman can keep in the air without dropping a few of the rubber ones.

But then there was last night. Last night, for a few precious moments, I managed to put all the balls away on a shelf and walk away. The house was fairly quiet, and other than the laundry that needed to be shifted from washer to dryer to folding table, and a mostly-content seven-year-old who flitted in and out for a little mommy-love now and then, I didn't have a lot of demands on my time. So I disappeared into my little studio and soon I was lost in a drawing that had begun to emerge at last week's class.

It's a row of small fishing sheds lined up on a dock with a couple of fishing boats in the foreground - meant to teach about perspective. Follow the lines to the vanishing point to determine the angle of rooflines, dock edges, etc. Lots of little details and extensive use of a ruler for all those doors, roofs, windows, and wooden siding. It's not the kind of art work I would normally be drawn into (I get a little bored with symmetry), but oh my, was it zen-like! Soon those heavy thoughts were disappearing right along with those lines on the way to the vanishing point.

Though I recognize the value of meditation, and I've tried it several times in various iterations, it just hasn't been something I've been able to fully adopt into my life. Too many monkeys playing around in my mind, I suppose.

That was before I discovered the meditative quality of art. A paintbrush or pencil in my hand, and suddenly I'm a zen master!

Sometimes

2010-01-20T11:54:00.001-06:00

Sometimes parenting wrenches your heart right out of your chest,
tosses it on the floor and stomps on it.

Sometimes you have to sit in the bathroom holding your daughter
and listening to her sob for half an hour

all the while knowing you can't do a damn thing to FIX IT.

Sometimes those beautiful children who own a big piece of your heart
bottle stuff up forever and then one day it's released
in a sudden outburst that results in a hotdog flying across the room.

Sometimes you have to live through the cruelties of life vicariously through your children

and sometimes that second-hand pain is almost worse
than if it were happening to you directly.

Sometimes you feel the weight of realization that you are the only safe place
where their deepest fears and troubled emotions can be unleashed.

And then sometimes you go to bed worrying about your beautiful daughter,
and through the basement floor you hear her humming along with her ipod,
a sure sign that the tears in the bathroom were just right for helping her carry on.

And sometimes you know that the best you can hope for is "carrying on".

Sometimes you just have to find a tree and lean on it

2010-01-19T11:57:00.002-06:00

It was day one of the staff retreat. The day that my team was meeting under my leadership. Staff and volunteers had come from across the country and I had to lead them, inspire them, and encourage them. The trouble was, I wasn't feeling very inspired myself. I was just feeling.... well, kinda blah. Low energy and low motivation.

Halfway through the day we took a break. It was a beautiful day and we were close to the woods and the river, so I went for a walk. Near the Red River, in the middle of a small wooded area, I spotted the largest tree I have ever seen in this province. It would have taken about 4 people with their arms fully spread to make a circle around that tree.

I spread my arms as far as I could reach and leaned against that big solid tree, my face pressed up against the rough bark. I stayed there for a few minutes, just leaning. Borrowing energy from a tree that had stood through more than a hundred prairie winters and a myriad of floods, storms, and pestulance. Soaking up inspiration from a life-force that had born witness to endless human and animal stories. Finding encouragement in this remarkable source of oxygen, shade and beauty. All the while, thanking the Creator for this love-song shaped like a tree.

Refreshed, I returned to my meeting.

Haiti on my mind

2010-01-18T10:31:00.000-06:00

Today, after 5 days away from my computer, I came back to an in-box packed full of inquiries about Haiti. Many wanted to know if we will be doing any food programming there (the answer is yes - feel free to support), but most wanted to know if M & J are safe.

This past summer, two of my staff resigned from their positions, and for completely different reasons, both moved to Haiti. J is working in a fairly remote area, providing administrative support for a clinic. M is doing contract work with NGOs in Port-au-Prince.

J reports that, though they felt the quake, they were not significantly impacted. They will, however, be providing some medical support from their clinic, so she will be working hard in the coming weeks.

I haven't heard anything directly from M, but through the NGO grapevine, I've heard that she is safe and that her home was not destroyed.

Though I've never been to Haiti, I feel quite connected to it through many friends and colleagues who have lived there or are currently living there. This disaster seems so unfathomable that there really are no words to express it.

That's about all I have to say right now, because at this time, this is one of the only things on my mind.

Learning to draw

2010-01-12T10:28:00.001-06:00

Last night I started my drawing class. At the Winnipeg Art Gallery, no less - a place for SERIOUS artists. (My last class was through the local community centre, so this is me "kickin' it up a notch!") I'm so excited. My teacher is just the right mix of down-to-earth, approachable, relaxed, wise, and seriously talented. I know I'm going to enjoy soaking in her wisdom. We spent last night learning about shading with cross-hatching and smudged charcoal - playing with light.

This is what I wrote in my journal on the bus ride home. "My first drawing class is over. Loved it! Oh yes I did! Teacher, looking over my shoulder, said 'you have a great sense of light!' Woohoo! Light! I am elated! Let the light shine on me! And may I recognize the value of the shadows for the way they bring out the light."

Yup, I was just like Maddie coming home from her art class - silly and imaginative and just plain giddy. I didn't tell goofy stories like she does (not sure my bus-mates would have appreciated it), but I'm sure I was grinning all the way home.

This morning, in honour of my desire to "bask in pleasure" just like a kid, I want to share a blessing from one of my favourite books:

For the Artist at the Start of Day

May morning be astir with the harvest of night;
Your mind quickening to the eros of a new question,
Your eyes seduced by some unintended glimpse
That cut right through the surface to a source.

May this be a morning of innocent beginning,
When the gift within you slips clear
Of the sticky web of the personal
With its hurt and its hauntings,
And fixed fortress corners,

A Morning when you become a pure vessel
For what wants to ascend from silence,

May your imagination know
The grace of perfect danger,

To reach beyond imitation,
And the wheel of repetition,

Deep into the call of all
The unfinished and unsolved

Until the veil of the unknown yields
And something original begins
To stir toward your senses
And grow stronger in your heart

In order to come to birth
In a clean line of form,
That claims from time
A rhythm not yet heard,
That calls space to
A different shape.

May it be its own force field
And dwell uniquely
Between the heart and the light

To surprise the hungry eye
By how deftly it fits
About its secret loss.

~ John O'Donohue ~

Random Monday morning

2010-01-11T10:24:00.001-06:00

1. My oldest daughter is insane. She LOVES to go to the gym, LOVES to run on the treadmill, and WILLINGLY got up at 5:45 this morning to drag me out of bed and drag me to the gym. She finally has the doctor's okay to start running again (since her knee surgery in September), and is doing everything in her power to convince me running is FUN. Yeesh.

2. I may have to admit that my eye-sight is not quite what it used to be. Gulp. Everybody warned me that it would start to deteriorate after 40, but I refused to believe them since I've happily lived without glasses all of my life. But last night... darn it all... I could barely focus on those nearly invisible stitches I was trying to rip out to replace a zipper. I have the injuries on my finger to prove it. Aargh.

3. Tonight I start a drawing class at the Winnipeg Art Gallery. I've got a healthy mix of excitement and nervousness. More excited than nervous this time around, but this feels like SERIOUS art instruction instead of just the community centre stuff I did last time around. Yikes! Who am I trying to kid?

4. Speaking of art classes, Maddie started hers on Saturday, and oh my gosh that girl is fun to have in the car on the way home from art classes. (And swimming classes too, for that matter.) She gets really silly when she's happy and her imagination goes wild when she's gotten positive energy from something she loves. I think we grown-ups have gotten a little too good at stifling that kind of thing to the point where we often don't even recognize what gives us true pleasure. We can learn some things from Maddie about basking in pleasure.

5. Since I mentioned the other two daughters, I should mention Julie too. It appears she has inherited two of my characteristics - perfectionism (when it comes to projects, anyway), and procrastination. Not a great combination when you have a big creative project due on Monday and want to get some actual sleep on Sunday night, but boy-oh-boy does she have a nice project to hand in this morning!

6. I'll be spending most of this week at a staff retreat. If you've been here for awhile, you might remember last year's retreat. This year will be significantly different, because we have a lot of new staff on the team. None-the-less, I've got some fairly big challenges that make me feel a little queasy about the whole thing. I may have to wear my colourful jacket again for fortification.

7. After the retreat comes the fun stuff - a weekend at a soccer tournament in the States. I wish I could just jump to the fun stuff where I get to hang out with my family in a hotel and help my daughters spend the money they've been earning by trudging through the neighbourhood delivering flyers.

8. I have one of those plants in my office that I only know of as a "mother-in-law's tongue". A rather horrible name, I know (especially since my mother-in-law's tongue is anything but sharp), but I don't know the proper name. (I just looked it up on wikipedia and it's also known as the "snake plant".) It has one really tall leaf that is shooting toward the sky. It seems like it's trying to serve as a metaphor similar to the "tall poppy" where people dare to stand above the crowd even when they might be shot down for it.

9. I have a grinning plastic monkey on my desk by my computer (from my friend Kelly from back in the days when we were trying to avoid using the word "monkey" in communications plans because the lab we were working at was beginning to do experiments on "non-human-primates" - ah yes, we were spin doctors!). For some reason, that monkey is making me smile this morning. Thanks Kelly.

10. Nine doesn't seem like the right number to end on, so I'm adding this point just so I can end on an even number. I have nothing more to say.

Still burning

2010-01-08T09:53:00.003-06:00

A few days ago, I let Maddie drag me out of the house to see the Olympic flame as it passed through our city. It was my first day back to work and I really didn't relish the thought of leaving my warm cocoon again in the evening, but I just didn't think it was right to extinquish the enthusiasm of a 7 year old child who'll probably only have one chance to see the flame in her lifetime.

In the end, I was glad we went. We didn't get there in time to see it arrive at the Forks, but it was burning brightly in a fairly large torch on the stage where performers were putting on a concert.

At the end of the festivities, the flame was passed from the large torch to a very small enclosed lantern where they keep it burning through the night. It was just a tiny flame, but it was still THE Olympic flame. The next day, it would burn brightly again as it continued its journey toward the coast.

As I stood there watching them shrink the flame and then extinquish the large torch, a sudden epiphany visited me. That flame is just like me. Sometimes I'm burning brightly for everyone around to see, and then sometimes I have just a tiny flame burning inside me, nearly invisible to the naked eye. The beauty of the moment was the recognition that that small flame still holds within it the capacity to burn fiercely and powerfully.

Lately I've been going through one of those "tiny flame" periods. There are moments when there seems to be no more passion, no more inspiration, and no more energy. No more fuel for my fire. It's not just a "January blahs" thing this time around. It's a "something happened that makes the future seem dark again" kind of thing.

But seeing that flame reminded me that it's still burning deep inside me. I just have to wait for it to be refueled and then it will shine again.

This morning, after having a conversation with a good friend over a chai latte, and then reading the article that my friend Darrah passed on, I had another epiphany. I am letting the shadow of this difficult situation cloud the future and I am forgetting to focus on that tiny speck of light that still burns within me (and within the people around me). I am also forgetthing that I have some control over what fuels my flame and do not have to wait for external forces to fuel it for me. But at the same time... I don't NEED to burn brightly all the time - some times low flame times are crucial for helping me refuel and prepare for the times when I am called on to burn brightly.

As Pema Chodron says in the article linked above, sometimes we take the shifts of our emotional weather too personally. Sometimes we let ourselves believe that our current experience is how it IS instead of remembering that things are always shifting and changing.

A few days ago, I wrote this on Twitter: "I'm in one of those moods where I can flip-flop between 'life is beautiful' and 'life sucks' in mere seconds."

Today I wrote: "Every day gives us another opportunity to rise above the things that dragged us down the day before."

What about you? Where is YOUR olympic flame these days?

A picture is worth a thousand words

2010-01-07T09:20:00.002-06:00

Today I am posting this picture simply because it made me smile yesterday when I came across it in one of our work publications.

It makes me smile and it helps me to remember that I've lived a good life. I have been privileged to walk on foreign soil many times. And I will do it again and again. This was taken almost exactly 5 years ago in Kenya, and yes, that's me with a little less hair, a little less weight, and a fly on my cheek. And a huge grin on my face because I was doing what I love most in the world - going on a journey. And meeting fascinating people. And letting the world change me.

This is what I wrote on my very first post on this blog, when I was preparing for my first trip to Africa:

I won’t expect that my English words are somehow endued with greater wisdom than theirs. I will listen and let them teach me. I will open my heart to the hope and the hurt. I will tread lightly on their soil and let the colours wash over me. I will allow the journey to stretch me and I will come back larger than before.

I believe I did what I set out to do - allowed the journey to stretch me. And I've done that on every journey since.

I'm looking forward to seeing what journeys will stretch me this year.

Just one glimpse

2010-01-05T21:23:00.001-06:00

Do you ever stop and stare at the art on your window pane?

The endless variety?

The symmetry? The precision?

The delicate brush strokes mixed with bold connecting lines?

The way the sunlight changes each piece at different times of the day?

The bold and unorthodox lines? Sometimes balanced, sometimes not?

The soft edges mixed with dazzling sparkle?

The playfulness of the artist's dancing brush strokes?

Some days, the best you can hope for is just one glimpse of beauty in the middle of the messiness.

Pregnant with words

2010-01-02T09:20:00.002-06:00

Okay, here's the thing - I really need to write a book. Well, more to the point - I need to write ANOTHER book. I've been down this road before.

I've carried this dream with me for almost as long as I've been able to string together words. After my first publishing success in high school (a poem in the high school yearbook), I had a taste of what it's like to see my words in print and I've been a little like a drug addict, craving it ever since.

I've seen my words in print fairly regularly since then. I've had probably about 20 things published in various publications (poems, articles, essays), and hundreds more in publications related to the various places I've worked. I've even seen my words on stage, with three of my plays produced on either a University or Fringe Festival stage.

But the book is the golden prize that still alludes me. I want it. Badly.

My first book was a novel I wrote when I was on maternity leave with Julie, my second child. It was called "In My Mother's Words" and was about a young woman who returns to her childhood home to clean it out after her mom dies and she discovers some surprises about herself when she finds her mom's journals. I know it sounds rather incredible (it still freaks me out a bit), but with a new baby and a toddler just 16 months older, I managed to write a 300 page book in less than 6 months. For about 2 hours every afternoon, they both took a nap, and I wrote like a mad woman.

I came close to getting that book published. I sent out close to 20 proposals and had about 4 or 5 requests to see the full manuscript. One publishing company said they were pretty sure they'd publish it but they just had to get their board to put the final rubber stamp on it. Sadly though, that never happened.

I still think the book was good, even though I know there are some flaws that need some fairly serious re-writes, but with a few too many rejections under my belt, and real life (diapers, a career, etc.) getting in the way, I put that book up on a shelf and left it there.

It was when I was in the hospital for three weeks waiting for our third child (Matthew, our stillborn son) to be born that I began to dream of writing a different kind of book - a memoir. The problem is, since then, I've been cursed with the debilitating disease of "too many ideas".

First there was the "Journey of a Woman" idea that came to me in the hospital.(See how that word keeps popping up?) That was a general memoir that would focus primarily on some of the tough spots I'd been through in my life - rape, a stillborn son, etc.

Then there was "The Mango Principles", a book about leadership and community building that had at its core the story of an amazing mango a friend gave me when I was in the hospital. I sent that proposal out a few times but never even got a single response. Since then, I've had too many rocky points in my leadership career to truly believe I have a right to give out leadership advice, so I didn't pursue it too much further. (I might revisit it though, because I still think it has potential)

More recently, there was "Fumbling for Faith", a memoir about how my stumbling faith has changed over the years and how it has changed me. I sent out a proposal for that one too, but again - no response. I lost interest in that one too because I'm really not sure I have a solid enough faith or any real expertise to write about it.

There have been other ideas - like "Matthew's story" about how my stillborn son continues to impact me nine years after he died. And another honest leadership book about how hard it is to be an effective leader when you're surrounded by flawed human beings (a bit of an antidote to all of the leadership books out there that just make you feel like you're failing because you can't attain their standards that are based on hypothetical teams and not real, human, flawed teams). And something about the connection between beauty and justice - an idea that I keep wanting to explore after a couple of amazing experiences in India and Africa.

And now... well, now I have another idea cooking in my brain that's about art and life and personal growth and how shadows play an important role in deepening the beauty of all of them. It kind of brings together some of the ideas from the past.

But the fact of the matter is, I feel a little deflated right now because even though I think it's a good idea, it sort of feels like "just another idea" that will eventually land on that pile of unattained dreams. And all of those little gremlins - fear, self-doubt, not enough time, not a good enough writer - they're all getting me down in one way or another these days. (Not enought time/energy is a big one right now, since my career has been draining so much from me lately.)

Why am I telling you all of this? Well, I kind of feel like I need to figure out how to get this thing done (or finally give it up for good), and this blog has been an important place for me to process stuff in my life in the last 5 years. Maybe if I share it, it will have a better chance of being realized. Maybe if I'm honest about it, I'll feel like I need to be accountable to this dream and put some serious energy into it.

So here I am, telling you my biggest dream, hoping that you will hold it gently in your hands.

No, I'm not going to make a New Year's resolution or big goal about this, since this is the year I'm determined to enjoy the "journey". But... here's the thing... a few years ago, I started a file on my computer called "The Journey toward the Book" and I filled it with little snippets of stories and ideas that I thought might eventually find their way into a book. So - when the word "journey" came to me on that plane ride and became my word for the year, I couldn't help but think a book might be part of that journey.

Beginning 2010 with a word to inspire me

2009-12-31T19:00:00.000-06:00

It was on my last flight that my word for the year came to me. I'd just spent a week in a rental car, exploring various parts of Nova Scotia and New Brunswick in between meetings with staff, volunteers, and supporters and now I was on my way home. After finishing the book I was reading, I closed my eyes and leaned back in my chair. As I began to drift to sleep, listening to the cacophony of sound in the plane, this thought punctuated my inner monologue like a flash of fireworks... OH HOW I LOVE THE JOURNEY! I sat there feeling so blissfully content, so perfectly calm and relaxed, and I knew that this moment was about as good as it gets for me.

I love the journey. I really, really do. Planes, trains, automobiles, bicycles, boats, or even my own two feet - it doesn't matter - I just love the whole process. It doesn't matter if I'm going on a grand adventure to Africa or just driving to my favourite bookstore - I am almost always content when I am in motion, going somewhere, on a journey. With or without companions.

And that, my dear friends, is my word for the year. Journey. This year I'm not going to try to conquer any montains, face fear with bravado, or set grand goals for myself. There's a time and a place for all of that, but right now, for me, it's time to savour the journey.

It doesn't mean that I'm going to travel more (though that would be nice), or that I'm going to uproot myself or my family, it just means that I'm going to remember to savour whatever journey I'm on.

Here are some of my thoughts on what it means to focus on the journey:
1. I'm going to try to be in the moment more.
2. I'm going to learn to pack light and not weigh myself down with too much baggage.
3. I'm going to take time for conversation with interesting strangers, just like I did on that long train ride to Cleveland.
4. I'm going to let myself be inspired by the beauty that's right here in front of me.
5. I'm going to forgive myself for not accomplishing grand goals.
6. I might even manage to forget about the destination now and then and just focus on the process.
7. I'm going to be open to adventure around the bend in the road.
8. I'm going to stop and stare at the wonders of the world.
9. I'm going to take lots of pictures and tell lots of stories.
10. Mostly, I'm going to savour more. Really savour - like that long slow sip of chai latte that's got just the right mix of spicy and sweet.

Here's my dream board for the year.

And here's the painting I was working on this morning - about one of my favourite kinds of journeys, along the misty beach early in the morning as the seagulls are waking up.

And, just for fun, here's how I'll be starting the journey - with brown hair!

A year with a little less fear

2009-12-30T11:52:00.001-06:00

A year ago, I was feeling the need to let go of some of the fear in my life. I claimed "fearless" as my word for 2009, and to kick it off, I made a little video about it...

It's been an interesting year. I took yoga for the first time, despite the fear of letting my clumsiness show. Yes, there was the odd time when I went left when the rest of the class went right and the teacher had to gently correct me, but I loved it none-the-less.

I took a watercolour class and fell in love with painting. In September, I went to Cleveland for a little more creative digging. I practiced calling myself an artist. Next week, I'm starting a drawing class, and I CAN'T WAIT.

I entered an international photo contest and was named one of the runners-up, I won a Communicator of the Year award for taking some chances and launching some big ideas, and - when a film project started hitting the rails - I stepped in and took over much of the leadership.

I launched a new website, held a big launch party, and then got a bunch of interesting people to write guest posts for me. But then I realized that I'd bitten off more than I could chew and this really wasn't the direction I needed to take right now, so I swallowed my pride and shut it down. That probably took more courage than starting it in the first place.

It turned out, though, that the biggest lessons I had to learn about fearlessness were in the area of leadership. I wish I could tell you that I've conquered that mountain, but I've still got lots of climbing to do. And some of the climbing seemed to take me in the wrong direction.

There were a lot more leadership challenges this year than I'd anticipated. Almost a year ago, with great intrepidation, I bared my soul to my team and challenged them to be more honest with me and with each other. It was scary, but there were positive results that made it worthwhile. (I have the same retreat coming up in a couple of weeks again, and I'm approaching it with a healthy mix of hope that we've moved forward and fear that I'll fall flat on my face.) A little later in the year, I put forward a huge proposal to the board for more funds and more staff, and though there was resistance, it was approved and I could move forward. I've hit lots of roadblocks since then, though, and some days I wish I'd kept those big ideas to myself. Some of the resistance came from within my team, and oh... I just get so weary of having to drag people forward when they don't want to carry the vision. Plus, on top of all of that, there's a never-ending court case that I can't say much about, but that has caused a lot of stress (and way too many conversations with people who've heard lies about me) in the last 4 years.

I got a little more hopeful in the fall, when I started hiring new staff, but I've hit some major roadbumps since then, so the hope seems a little questionable right now.

What can I say about trying to live more fearlessly? Well... it has definitely opened me up to new experiences and new delights. I don't regret the new things I've tried, especially in the area of exploring more art.

But with each step we take toward courage, there's bound to be some force trying to push us back to where we were before. There's no doubt that I am a stronger, more bold leader than I was a year ago, but the journey to get here has been fraught with rough patches, challenging relationships, road blocks, and snarls. I'm feeling pretty beaten up by it all right now. There have been many moments this past year when I've wanted to throw in the towel and just find a job where I didn't have to carry the weight of responsibility.

But I will carry on, because, despite the challenges, I feel called to this role and I believe that I am making a difference. Last week, in the middle of one of my hardest days, a co-worker stopped me in the hall to say "I believe you're doing the right thing." She has no idea how much those simple words have carried me since. I believe I'm doing the right thing too, but it was so good, at that low point, to hear some affirmation.

For 2010, I'm chosing a word that results in less bruises. More on that tomorrow.

p.s. If you have a leader who's working hard to do the right thing, PLEASE stop them in the hall to tell them you're noticing. Leaders (especially middle managers) are usually the most under-appreciated, over-stressed in an organization. I speak from personal experience.

Cousin time

2009-12-29T10:29:00.002-06:00

Every year there is the pajama picture...

Followed by some variation on the theme... like maybe the Christmas tree? (minus the youngest member who'd run out of patience by this point)

And since they've been old enough, there's almost always been the pyramid...

Which generally tends to degenerate into the body pileup...

This year there was also the group hug for Grandma...

And a little gratuitous cuddle time now and then...

And, of course, at some point in the evening, there is a little dinner time silliness...

They see each other only a few times a year (as a group) and yet they seem to be rather fond of each other. I'm rather fond of them all too.

The winner of the giveaway... and a few other random things

2009-12-23T09:43:00.000-06:00

First - the prize! So I figured it was high time I announced the winner of my little anniversary giveaway. And the prize goes to... drumroll please... JANE STEEN of the blog "Keep Going You Fool!" (isn't that a great name for a blog?) Jane, please let me know where I should send your prize AND go on over to this page and pick something you want for under $25. Have fun with that!

And now, the first unrelated random item: In other news, I just realized I have three dishes to cook for each of the next three days and I haven't given a single thought to what I'll be cooking, what ingredients I'll need OR when I'll find even a few minutes to shop for or cook said items. Oh to be one of those much-envied people with an organized brain who thinks of things IN ADVANCE!

Second unrelated random item: Speaking of my failings, while I was traveling last week, I read a delightful book I'd picked up in the discount rack called "Helping Me Help Myself". Oh - it was fun! The author has the same love-hate (leaning somewhat more heavily toward the "hate/skeptical" side) relationship with over-hyped self-help books, gurus, etc., and yet she subjects herself to a full year of trying to fix her life with the help of 10 different self-help gurus. She's got so many of my "endearing" qualities - disorganized, slightly scatter-brained, not very good with money, inconsistent parenting skills - that I felt like I knew her. At the end of the book, I decided that my resolution would be the OPPOSITE this coming year - NOT subject myself to ANY self-help books and just try to be content with who I am.

Third unrelated random item: It's Wishcasting Wednesday over at Jamie's place, and I am wishing for one simple thing - some uninterrupted time in my studio. I had to duck in there this morning to grab something on the way to work, and it tugged me and cajoled me and tried to hold me in its clutches. The art supplies were calling me, I swear it! Alas, I had to go because there is just too much "stuff" to do. But next week when I'm on vacation? Well, I may just have to do what I did when I took summer vacation and spend the mornings in the studio before the rest of the household wakes up. I don't have any grand plans - I just want to play with paint again!

Fourth unrelated random item: I've signed up for a drawing class at the WAG starting in January. I'm a little disappointed they won't let Nikki take it with me. I was looking forward to learning to draw with my oldest daughter, but you have to be 18 to take the adult class. Perhaps because they'll have nude models?

Fifth unrelated random item: I think it's time to go make myself some tea.

Chipping away at it

2009-12-22T11:13:00.003-06:00

At first, I hesitated to share this picture from my travels last week, even though it's one of my favourite moments of the trip. Why did I hesitate? Because you can see just how much weight I've gained in the past six months, and... well... ugh. I hate that I've gained weight, but even more, I hate that it matters. Double ugh.

But here it is, none-the-less, because I like it, and it's beautiful, and I'm trying to move past those issues. Really - I am. Look closer at the picture - past the size of my imperfect body, up to my face, and you'll see a tiny smirk on my face. I was so happy in that moment - so full of what gives me pleasure in life.

This post is only partly about the weight thing. More than that, it's about chipping away at things. I was in the magical studio of Regina Coupar and she was teaching my friend and me how to chip away at glass and stone to make tiny sparkly tiles for mosaic art. None of them were symmetrical or perfect, but each piece was just right. Blended together, these imperfect, assymetrical pieces make the most beautiful works of art.

It's what I'm doing in my life too - chipping away at it. Trying to find the beauty at the centre of what looks like rough and ugly rocks. Trying to make the broken pieces into a work of art. Trying to trust the pain of the hammer and anvil. Trying to be brave enough to reveal what I've kept hidden under layers of protective covering.

I'm chipping away at what it means to be an artist too. Breaking off pieces of fear and hesitation. Revealing the shiny bits underneath. Taking chances and making mistakes. Trying new things. Risking failure. Learning from others... but in the end, trusting my own way of seeing and being.

This year has been full of so much "hammer and anvil" work. Chipping away at growth, change, pain, renewal, and fear.

I am artist and I am art, all wrapped into one imperfect package. I strive to create beauty and trust my own beauty to shine.

There are so many reasons why I don't call myself a "mommy blogger"

2009-12-18T03:51:00.001-06:00

About ten years ago, when I was the exhausted and overwhelmed (oh - I could add a LONG list of descriptors to that) mother of two very different toddlers (who knew kids would come with different personalities?), I remember asking a mother in my acquaintance, who had teenagers at the time, if she would consider being a motherhood mentor of sorts, or starting a support group for young moms like me to whom parenting felt like traveling in a foreign country without a guide. She looked at me with a terrified look in her eyes and said something like "that would suggest that I actually think I know what the heck I'm doing! Oh no - I don't feel capable of doing that AT ALL!"

I didn't understand what that was about until years later when I'd been a parent for almost as long as she had. Oh my gosh! She's right! It doesn't get much clearer, does it? Here I am, with nearly 14 years of experience at this, and I still mostly feel like I'm floundering in a dark cave without a flashlight!

So... when Darrah asked me some interview questions about parenting (because she's newly married and dreams of filling her home with the sounds of children some day), I had a similar reaction to the one I received. What the heck? You actually think I have a CLUE what it takes to be a good parent? Gulp.

It took me a long time to answer these questions, but here I go... trying to hold out a tiny dim flashlight for other mothers coming after me...

1. How has being a parent changed you?
Hmmm... well, for starters, it whalloped me with a great big dose of self-doubt. Seriously. I was a fairly self-confident person up until then, but suddenly I felt like I didn't have a CLUE what I was doing and mostly I assumed I was probably doing it wrong. I've chilled out a lot since then (because, surprisingly, my kids aren't turning out half bad!), but I still feel lost a lot of the time. What if I don't make them eat everything on their plates - will they die of scurvy? What if I DO make them eat it all - will they develop eating disorders? What if I don't make them go to bed before 10:00 - will they fail at school? Oh my gosh... the worry and fear and... well, you get the picture.

But there are also all those other things they tell you in the parenting books... Like the fact that you suddenly find yourself lost in a love so deep it feels like there's no bottom. Like the instantaneous realization that you are no different from a mother bear and you have little doubt that you could kill someone who threatens your child. Like the fact that the world feels bigger than you could ever have imagined it feeling. And then there are the moments when you're sitting around a campfire laughing with your partner and children and suddenly find yourself thinking "could there be any greater joy than this?"

And the funny thing is, as much as parenting contributed to my self-doubt, in a strange way it also made me a more confident person. It's hard to explain how it feels to have little people in your life who need you and believe in you in a deeper way than anyone ever has.

2. What have you learned from your children?
Oh my - it's hard to imagine all the things I've learned from them. For one thing, I became a leader shortly after becoming a parent, and I realized that I was a better leader because I'd learned some of my skills through parenting. For another thing, I learned just how different people can be. Each of my daughters is so unique that I've had to learn to relate to each of them (and discipline them) in very different ways. Interestingly enough, I started to learn things about my own personality and my husband's when I started to see things that showed up in my kids. For example, I read a book about "raising your spirited child" (because I desperately needed it for my first, and then could have thrown it out when it came to my second) and there was something in there about "negative first response" that the oldest was doing that I also suddenly recognized in my dear husband. I was almost always ready to rush into new things, and here I was living with two people who made me stop and evaluate things first. It changed the way I approached things - made me slow down and learn to wait. AND I also came to realize that a tendency toward overstimulation was probably something that was inherited from me. I hadn't recognized it before I saw it in my daughter.

3. What do you wish you had known before you had kids, but learned the hard way?
That when you are a parent, you will have to answer approximately TEN MILLION questions a day and you will have to make approximately TWELVE MILLION decisions. The moment you walk in the door, expect to hear some age-appropriate version of the following: "Can I invite Jessica over for a play date? Do you know where my new mitts are? Can you buy me a pair of mitts, 'cause I can't find mine. Can we have chocolate ice cream for dessert? What time can Jessica come over? MOM - you PROMISED me you'd buy me some new pants, and NOW I have to wear the ones with the holes in them! Can I stay up late tonight, because there's a show I really want to watch. When are you going to help me with my school project? If we can't have chocolate ice cream, will you take me to the store for a Slurpee?" This can go on all night.

And your personal space - you know that space you used to guard so preciously, especially when you were tired or overstimulated? Yeah, give it up, 'cause it will be invaded about as many times as you have to make a decision. OH. MY. GOSH! I was not prepared for this. The constant demands for answers and touch and decisions! Some days, I've threatened to put up a sign that says "Mommy is on strike until further notice. No more decisions will be made today. Don't even THINK about asking me if you can have another cookie!"

4. How do you juggle a career and THREE kids? It sounds super-human to me.
Oh yeah, I'm super-human, alright! Ha! Darrah, you're a peach for saying so, but I am SO not super-human and most days I feel like I'm not doing any good at either motherhood OR the career-thing. And housework? THAT went out the window YEARS ago! You should see my laundry room or my refrigerator! You would very quickly retract that "super-human" comment!

The truth is, I couldn't do this without a great co-parent. Marcel and I really are partners in this, and often (especially when I'm traveling) he ends up carrying a lot of the load. It helps when you have a partner who balances off your weaknesses. For example, if it were only up to me, the kids would miss half of their soccer practices, music lessons, etc., because he's much more aware of what's on the family calendar and who has to be where at what time than I am.

Just for fun, here are a few of the things I've learned (and keep learning) that have helped me cope...
a.) You've gotta pick your battles. If you're exhausted and it just makes your life easier to say yes to that extra cookie, DO IT. The world will not come to an end. And your children will not become hardened criminals.
b.) Don't sweat the small stuff AND don't blame yourself for everything that goes wrong. If they happen to wear their clothes to bed instead of pajamas (because they can't find them or because they're too lazy) - it really doesn't mean you're a bad parent. At least they're sleeping at YOUR house and not a juvenile detention centre.
c.) Sometimes you've got to change your definition of success. If your kids are interesting, decent citizens who have respect for the adults in their lives and they have moments of genuine kindness now and then, does it REALLY matter if their bedrooms resemble pig-pens?
d.) That super-mom crap that the media shoves down your throat? Give it up, 'cause it will only lead to failure and stress. If you don't have time for home-baked goodies for the class party, the kids will be equally happy (maybe even more so) with Oreo cookies.
e.) Your kids will be better off in the long run if (within reason, of course) you don't set aside everything you hold dear in order to cater to their every need. Do at least some of the things that give you joy, and learn to ignore the whining (which is mostly manipulation on their part) when they act like they should be getting ALL of your attention. As much as I sometimes feel guilty about it, I don't think my kids have suffered from me doing the traveling I do. I think they've learned to be more self-sufficient and they've learned that it's okay to follow your dream/calling.
f.) Be there for the tough emotional stuff they have to deal with, but don't do everything for them. There's no reason they can't learn to pack their own lunches by the third grade or work through some of their sibling rivalry without you trying to keep the peace. Sometimes there's a tendency to get overly involved in every little minutiae of your child's life - avoid it. In the long run, everyone's better off if you do.

Sorry, Darrah, if I've scared you out of child-rearing. :-) It definitely comes with its challenges, but in the end, I wouldn't change it for the world. I could never have imagined just how much fun it can be to hang out with your own children. (Of course, I couldn't have imagined how much emotional stress it will cause you either, but this was supposed to end on a positive note! :-)

A few unrelated things

2009-12-17T08:55:00.000-06:00

1. If you're interested in the continued adventures of Flat Madeline, check out Maddie's blog. I think the 3D Madeline is getting jealous of all of her grand adventures. I know I am.

2. I was interviewed by Connie over at Dirty Footprints Studio. I really enjoyed doing the interview because it helped me work through some of the things I've been wrestling with lately. If you want to know more about my work and why I've renewed my passion for it, check it out. Connie and I have been down similar paths lately, and it always seems that in the midst of my deepest wrestling, I get the most delightful emails from her.

3. I took a sick day yesterday. I was fighting a cold the whole week I was traveling, and though I didn't feel too bad then, I think it caught up with me yesterday. Mostly, I just needed a day of rest.

4. Last night was the last "winter concert" with all three of the girls at the same school. Nikki and Julie thought they were done with concerts (normally they only do them up to grade 6), but this year the grade 7 & 8 bands participated. Next year, Nikki is off to HIGH SCHOOL! Gulp. (Side note... Seriously - if they're going to call it a "winter concert" and there's nothing to do with Christmas in the content, why can't they have it in January or February when our lives are a little less busy?)

5. Winter concerts always cause me a great deal of stress because I'm just NOT one of those organized moms who has nice little outfits picked out for each of the kids months in advance of a big event. Every year I know it's coming, and every year I'm left scrambling to find the appropriate clothing. Oh it's black pants/skirts and white shirts this year? Hmmm.... does anyone HAVE black pants? Or a white shirt without a stain on it? Last night's concert was preceded with a frantic visit to the thrift store for a pair of black shoes, followed by another frantic visit to the thrift store for a pair that FIT, followed by an equally frantic visit to the over-crowded mall for a black skirt, followed by a frantic mom hemming a pair of black pants. In the end, all were dressed and clean and we were even EARLY arriving at the concert! (But supper consisted of that evil entity known as "fast food".)

6. I have never EVER left my Christmas shopping to this late in the season. Oh dear. This may be the year of the gift cards.

Five years of Fumbling! It's my blog-iversary!

2009-12-15T10:04:00.002-06:00

Exactly five years and 1000 posts ago, I dipped my toes in this big unknown world known as blogland. I didn't know what I was getting into, but I loved to write and I was curious about what it would be like to put my ramblings out into a public space.

I started this blog as a way of processing my thoughts and feelings as I prepared to go to Africa for the first time. I was excited about it, but wanted to process the impact it might have on me.

A lot of water has passed under that bridge since. Right from the start, I was "fumbling" and I've done a whole lot of fumbling ever since - for words, for truth, for hope, for relationships, for peace, for inspiration... you name it, I'm a fumbler.

I've blogged from Kenya, Tanzania, Ethiopia, India and Bangladesh. I've traveled from coast to coast in Canada and into the States a few times. I'm made a lot of online friends and had the opportunity of meeting about half a dozen of them in person. I've worked through some fairly major life challenges in this space. I've watched my children grow and shared some of their stories online. I've been encouraged and inspired by the many bloggers I've come to count as friends. I've watched other bloggers come and go. I've tried new things. I've learned to Twitter. I've taken a lot of pictures, and started watercolour painting. I've wrestled with what it means to be a little more fearless. I've started calling myself not only a writer, but an artist - all-be-it a "fumbling" one. More than anything, I've tried to be authentic, honest, and approachable.

I'm going to keep on fumbling and I'm going to keep on talking about it on this blog. It's become such a big part of my life, I know I'd feel lost if I let it go.

Thank you, blog readers, for sharing these past five years with me (or at least the portion you've been around). I enjoy you immensely. You are my friends, my encouragers, and my fellow fumblers.

In appreciation of you - whether you've been here a long time, or just showed up today - I'm offering a prize to one lucky reader. I'd like to give each of you gifts, but that might be a little out of my budget, so this will have to suffice. One lucky reader will get all of this... (I tried to combine little pieces of who I am and what I like in the package.)

Three books - God is No Laughing Matter, by Julia Cameron (author of The Artist's Way), The War of Art, by Steven Pressfield, and Echoes of the Remnant, by the amazing artist and writer I met last week in Nova Scotia, Regina Coupar
Two of my favourite photos, matted and ready to be framed
A funky pair of earrings from my favourite shop in Mahone Bay, Nova Scotia
A bar of fair trade milk chocolate from Just Us, a fair trade compnay in Nova Scotia
A box of "cashews tumbled in Costa Rican milk chocolate infused with Chai spice" - my very favourite treat from SOMA chocolatiers in Toronto... mmmm....
AND... here's the biggy (not pictured above) - a gift from my favourite fair trade global gift store, Ten Thousand Villages - you get to pick something from their Under $25 page (or a couple of things that add up to under $25)!

Here's how to enter:

Leave a comment. You can say anything you want, but I'd be particularly interested in a comment about why you showed up here and why you've kept coming back (if you've been around more than once). I'd love to hear from some of the people who've been lurking but never leave comments - you know who you are!
Follow me! If you show up in the "follow me" box on the right hand side bar, or if you're already there, you'll get one entry into the contest. If you follow me in some other RSS feed (Bloglines, etc.), let me know in the comments, and you'll be added.
Tweet or Retweet about this post (and include my tweet name, so I can track it - @heatherplett) and you'll get your name entered.

If you do all three of the above, your name will be entered three times!

Thanks for visiting! I hope you keep coming back!

Note: The draw will be held on the weekend.

Fumbling toward Imperfection (guest post by Christine C. Reed)

2009-12-14T06:46:00.000-06:00

I had the pleasure of meeting today's guest blogger when I went to Cleveland a few months ago for the Creative Dig Workshop. The first thing I noticed about Christine was her big welcoming smile that makes you feel like you will be safe with her. Christine is a deeply spiritual person, and she shares her wisdom and her struggles over at BlissChick. Christine is on her own amazing journey this week, to a magical place called Kripalu where she's dancing and dreaming and following her calling.

For far too long, I have been trying to keep a lid on my soul's most precious dreams. This lid is sturdy, made of things like "practicality" and "realism."

To be more specific, this lid is made of stories about what I "should" want or "can" have.

The first thing I did to construct the lid, many years ago, was tell myself that as I age, yoga would be better for me than dance. I would be able to do yoga for my whole life. It would help me to age gracefully.

Who knew it would simply age me? I wanted to dance, and there is no substitute for your soul's work that will not age you. Your soul's work will keep you youthful and vital. Infinite, as you are meant to be.

The second thing I did to create and tighten this lid was to tell myself that I have always wanted to be a writer.

I am a good writer. I have an excellent relationship with that particular muse; she is generous with the ideas.

That does not mean writing completely fulfills me. Only your soul's work will truly fulfill you. Yes, you can do many other things, but your soul will still ache and cry out for what it needs.

Eventually, if you keep this lid screwed on tightly enough, your soul will shrivel and you will join the ranks of the Walking Dead. You know them. You've seen them in your daily life. Perhaps you see one when you look in the mirror.

Their eyes lack luster. They martyr themselves to the needs of others. They are exhausted all the time.

I have no idea by what Grace I was freed of this fate, but one day I danced and the lid popped off and my Soul got the fresh air she needed.

I have been dancing ever since.

I cannot not dance. No matter what, I know I would find a way to do this work.

There are days that I struggle, still, because I am human.

Yet...there is one giant clue that I am home, that I am finally free.

I am no longer encumbered by a desire for Perfection. I am in love with Process. I am in love with the day to day of dance.

My body tells stories -- true stories -- when I allow her to fumble and to falter.

When I loose the bridle of perfection that has kept me tied to a life of lies and settling, I shine.

Leaving the coast, going back to the prairies

2009-12-13T20:58:00.001-06:00

I'm done. REALLY done. SO ready to be home. Tomorrow, after a couple of airplane rides, I'll be there, hugging my family. Not soon enough. I want to be there now.

It has been such a good, good trip. Every bit of it has been better than I could have expected. The art show, the speaking engagements, the meetings with people, the hours driving down roads that wind around coastlines, the moments of deep connections with beautiful people - all of it.

It was good, but I definitely reached a point of saturation today. I'd stayed 6 nights in the homes of people I mostly didn't know (at least not very well) before this trip, and though they were all such gracious, kind hosts who made me feel at home and welcome, I found myself desperately craving some alone time. So - instead of spending a second night at the home of my fourth and final hosts - I indulged the introvert side of me and booked into a hotel close to the airport. I'm so glad I did. I didn't realize just how much I needed this until I nearly burst into tears when I stepped into the room.

There are so many things that I will savour about this trip.

Making new friends with kindred spirits.
Eating the bounty of the sea - lobster, haddock, and scallops.
Shopping in a lovely little bookstore with a delightful name that was something like "A Box of Magic"
Being inspired by not one but TWO talented artists who made me believe that I really should make more art. And share it.
Hanging out with a friend who connects me on such a deep level of understanding that I walk away feeling known, loved, and strengthened.
Being introduced at a speaking engagement as someone who "is not easily intimidated... and does not easily intimidate others." Smile.
Visits to a few beautiful galleries, gift shops, and studios - especially the pottery studio/shop with the eccentric green-haired potter/artist.
Being offered simple kindness by the toll booth guy who wrote me an I.O.U. when I didn't have the right cash.
Hearing stories of humanity and compassion - like the people in a tiny community who get up early to sell fair trade coffee to raise money for hungry people.
A wintry walk in the woods.
A night out at a delightful community theatre watching "Bingo, the Musical".
Driving, driving, and more driving... oh how I love the road! Really.
Moments of sparkling belief that I am in the right job - inspiring people and living my calling.
Tonight. Quiet. In a hotel. Processing and preparing for the re-entry point.

Choices - sometimes there is no right or wrong (guest post by Sandy Dempsey)

2009-12-12T05:23:00.000-06:00

Today's guest blogger, Sandy Dempsey (above left with Connie Hozvicka), is one of the kindest and most gentle people I've met online, and she's just as kind and gentle in person. I had the good fortune of spending time with Sandy in Cleveland and I consider her a dear friend. When she heard I was considering coming to Cleveland, but had to do it on a very tight budget, she offered to share a hotel room with me, even though it was outside of her comfort zone.

I met Heather online this past summer on Twitter. I followed her and she followed me. I was looking to connect with a group of artist when I discovered her. I loved reading about her personal journey and the many stories she posted and shared on her blog. She was creative, open, courageous and kind.

When I had the opportunity to meet her in person at the Creative Dig workshop in Cleveland in September I was even more impressed. She is a true artist. Her artist soul shines through in the way she dresses, holds herself, interacts with others, in her photography, her words and her ‘real’ art, such as painting.

When we talked I realized we were both in an ‘in-between’ place, struggling to find our own way, a way that allowed us to express ourselves more fully in our work lives while also meeting the obligations of our families and our selves. We talked about our jobs, working for ourselves and what each path meant to us.

Since September we have both gained greater clarity in our personal and professional lives. The one thing we have in common is writing about and sharing our journey and I watched as Heather’s unfolded.

As I moved away from my corporate job to begin working for myself, Heather found a new way of being in her day job and began to blossom. She is a creative, visionary leader with a heartfelt desire to make the world a better place. I’ve watched her. She does this on a small scale, with one person, one group, and on a big scale, in a large, non-profit organization that strives to bring awareness to issues and people from around the globe.

At first I though our paths had crossed and we had chosen different directions, but now I know that is not true. We are on similar paths, heading in similar directions, not opposite or opposing.

We both strive to authentically express ourselves every day, wherever we find ourselves and with whomever we are with. We care deeply about helping others and about making a difference.

I am choosing to do it by working for myself. This is the choice that works for me today, where I am. Heather is choosing to do it within the organization that she has worked for many years. It is a choice that works for her, where she is, today. Neither choice is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’.

Whether you choose to work for yourself, or to work for someone else, there still remains a very big opportunity to express your unique gifts and make a difference. You can make a difference in other people’s lives just by being you, just by interacting with others from a place of authenticity, respect and honesty. It begins with you, and flows out to your co-workers, then your customers, then your community, then the world.

You may decide to go out on your own, like I have. Or, like Heather, you may decide to redefine your role in your existing organization and go after what you want and do what you think needs to be done to make it better for you and those around you. You may decide to keep a less than ideal job because for now it provides for your family and your family is your number one priority. Or, you may decide to seek new opportunities; something that more closely aligns with who you are and what you want to do.

For example, you may be a single, working Mom. Your priority today may be working your ass off in a less than ideal job so that you can provide for your children. You express yourself by authentically being who you are day in and day out, showing up and doing the best job you can and by being there for your children, providing for them, loving them and raising them.

Or, you may go to work each day, treating others with kindness and respect, but escape in the evenings to write or to paint, selling your work on Etsy.com, or sharing your journey via a blog. Either way you are expressing and sharing your gifts with the world around you.

The point is, regardless of who you are, or where you are in life today, you can make a difference. There is no one-size fits all choice for any of us. We all have to show up, do the hard work, and do what is right for us. It is that simple and that difficult at the same time.

Sandy Dempsey is the founder and creative director behind the Dreaming Café, a free online resource dedicated to providing information and inspiration for people striving to live a creative life of self-expression based on their own personal vision. You can find her online at http://thedreamingcafe.com and via email at sandy@thedreamingcafe.com.

Perhaps it's time for a travelogue?

2009-12-11T14:34:00.001-06:00

First there was the trip from Fredericton to Quizpamsis, New Brunswick, to meet my new friend Dale Cook, the artist responsible for the art show that was raising money and awareness for our organization...

Then there was the trip to Upham, New Brunswick to spend some time with Mariam, one of our board members who's an Anglican priest in a delightful rural parish...

While there, I found time for a lovely, solitary afternoon jaunt in the woods on a bright and snowy day...

When I returned from my jaunt, I discovered that a friendly cat had himself at home in my luggage...

The next day was a grey but still lovely trip to New Minas, Nova Scotia (in the Annapolis Valley)...

In New Minas I'm staying with more delightful hosts (I've been very lucky on this trip!), Randy and Brenda (Randy volunteers for our organization.)

And as I've learned in the past, hanging out with Randy always means adventure, great conversation, and meeting some of the fascinating people he surrounds himself with. A morning with the wonderful artist Regina Coupar on the South Shore certainly didn't disappoint. We were gifted with an impromptu lesson in preparing tiles for the kind of mosaic art she's been working on lately... (I will probably write more about that visit in a future post - it was a truly inspiring few hours in the studio of an amazing artist and deep thinker.)

Then there was lunch in Chester with Randy, Regina, John, and our special guest, Flat Madeline...

That evening, there was a visit to the new bakery that will (when it's open) be selling a special loaf of bread as a fundraiser for our organization.

Today I've been gifted with a free day, since the journey to PEI did not materialize (due to bad weather). In the morning, we visited a magical local bookstore (for some local flair for my children's Christmas gifts) and a couple of other shops, and then had a leisurely lunch. Tonight my gracious hosts are treating me to an evening of live theatre.

Tomorrow I head back to New Brunswick for the final stop on my tour. I'll be spending some time with a new provincial volunteer, and then I'll be on my way home.

What a grand adventure it has been! Who says you can't have fun on a business trip?

Interview #1 - Questions from Sheila

2009-12-09T21:37:00.000-06:00

I'm having an AMAZING time on my trip to Eastern Canada! It's been so full of goodness, I hardly know what to tell you. I'll write all about it at some point, but right now, in the middle of it, I'm getting so much enjoyment out of the people I'm spending time with, the roads I'm traveling down, the events I'm participating in (the art show was WONDERFUL!), and the sights I'm seeing that I have little time or energy for blogging after all is said and done. Right now it's after 11:00, and after 5 hours of driving (from New Brunswick to Nova Scotia), a delicious meal, and several glasses of wine with my hosts, I'm definitely ready for bed. But before I sleep, I thought I'd post one of the posts I prepared before I left home - answers to some interview questions.

Thanks to Sheila for providing the questions! Sheila blogs over at Studio Lakeside. One of my favourite things at her blog is "Ta-da Tuesday" where she invites people to celebrate the things they have accomplished, even if they are just small, seemingly insignificant things.

1) It being so near Christmas, everyone's thinking of giving and I wonder if you had JUST ONE absolutely PERFECT gift to be given - what would it be and who would you give it to?

Hmmm... that's a tough one. Being involved in social justice and having traveled in lots of developing countries, my altruistic response would be to give economic and political stability to my friend Pugeni in Zimbabwe, or to give freedom and justice and stable lives to the young girls I met in India who'd been rescued from sex slavery. But let's be a little less "Miss America Pageant" and say... I would LOVE to give my husband and daughters a month long, expense paid trip to an interesting and exotic place. Maybe Brazil or Costa Rica. I've done so much traveling lately, and every time I go, my daughters ask "WHEN are you going to take US on a plane?" and always I have to say "someday, when we can afford it." I wish I could afford it RIGHT NOW! And while I'm at it, I'd bring along my extended family because I happen to like them a whole lot!
2) And in the impossible realm, I know, if you were granted one - well, okay, two - 'Do Overs', one you could change (and what would you change and why) and one that was just so fabulous the first time you'd like a repeat, what would they be?

I have a really tough time answering this question. I've thought about it quite a bit since Sheila asked it. The reason it's tough is that I tend to be a future thinker/dreamer (I'm told that's because of my "N" in my MBTI) and I don't spend a lot of time dwelling in the past. Sure there are some choices I'd make completely differently now than I did then, but that's because I'm older and wiser and have a different way of seeing the world and my place in it. The thing is - I have very few regrets and I like it that way. Even though some experiences were pretty shitty, each experience I've had has molded me and strengthened me and I can't imagine my life otherwise. Perhaps I would have chosen not to spend 2 years in a Bible college that didn't value women as much as I'd like (I had to be vice president in the student council because only a male could be president), but that experience enriched my life despite some of the ways it wouldn't fit the person I am now. Perhaps I wouldn't have spent as many years working for the federal government, but I did a lot of learning there, and really grew as a leader, and that was all worthwhile. I probably would have taken art classes earlier in life, but then maybe I wouldn't have appreciated them as much as I do now. So I can't honestly say what I would do over.

As for a repeat? Almost any of the trips I've taken. Oh to spend a few more days at the magical resort near the Serengetti in Tanzania! Or to get the chance to hang out with my sister on a beach in the Mediterranean again! Or one more early morning kayak trip with my brother in the Pacific Ocean near Thetis Island! Oh... and another romantic weekend with my husband in Quebec City would be delightful! Oops... I was supposed to name just one... Maybe the very first time I flew over the ocean and the whole world opened up to me!

See that step right in front of you? Take it. (by guest blogger Darrah Parker)

2009-12-09T06:03:00.000-06:00

Today's guest blogger is Darrah Parker, a delightful blogger and photographer whose blog (and tweets) just makes me feel happy and inspired. She's been taking some bold steps lately, and I'm really inspired by her. When Darrah got married recently, I sent her a plaque that said "laughter", because I have a feeling that if you spend much time in Darrah's presence, you will do a lot of laughing.

Fumbling for words.

Fumbling for answers.

Fumbling for knowledge.

Fumbling for confidence.

Fumbling for hope.

Fumbling for trust.

Fumbling for joy.

When Heather asked me to be a guest blogger, I said yes immediately. I adore Heather and have enjoyed witnessing her journey. I admire her honesty, her authenticity, and her ability to express all of it with grace. What an honor it would be to be a guest in her home!

But when I sat down to write this post, I found myself unsure of where to begin and fumbling for words. I guess I came to the right place!

I recently embarked on a new life and took a leap of faith, quitting my job and starting a business. It is all very exciting, but if I’m completely honest, it is also frightening – like the “Holy crap. What have I done?” kind of frightening. I know I have made the right choice and that I have what it takes to live the life of my dreams. But for every thing I feel confident in, there are ten other things I don’t feel confident in. For every moment of victory and joy, there are just as many moments of uncertainty and fumbling.

This whole idea of “fumbling” got me thinking. After all, isn’t that what we are all doing? We think that everyone else has it together. Everyone else has it figured out. Everyone else knows more. Everyone else is two steps ahead. But guess what?

They’re all fumbling.

And if they’re not fumbling now, they were fumbling at some point in the past and they will certainly fumble again in the future. Just having the knowledge that I’m not alone in my fumbling makes me feel better. Breathe deeper. Go easier on myself.

So the next time you witness greatness and those “if only” thoughts start creeping in (i.e. “If only I could be that good at X” or “If only I had more time for Y” or “If only I knew more about Z”), remember that everyone had to start somewhere. Even the best of the best fumbled. But instead of crumbling under the pressure, they pushed through, they dug deep, and they succeeded. You want to know why?

They believed in themselves.

They believed in themselves even when the odds were against them. They believed in themselves even when they were scared. They took one step at a time and believed in themselves even when they knew there was a long road ahead of them.

So, fellow fumblers, it’s time we embrace fumbling as part of the process, trust that we have everything we need, and enjoy the ride! After all, nobody ever got from point A to point C without going through point B. And point B is a mighty juicy place to be.

Darrah Parker is a latte drinking, often giggling, Seattle lovin’ and livin’, creative path exploring, mac ‘n’ cheese eating, husband hugging, camera toting gal with a dream. She shares her photography and writes about living a creative life on her blog, artcetera.

we are all creative beings: a creative prayer (by guest blogger, Andrea Schroeder)

2009-12-07T20:50:00.000-06:00

Andrea Schroeder, a creative artist and blogger who happens to live in the same city I do (though I haven't met her yet) was the first to answer my call for guest bloggers. Andrea runs some interesting creativity workshops right here in Winnipeg, and one of these days, I'm going to sign up for one of them!

i relax into my heart, i relax into my self and i open up.

i open wide.

wider than that. i open up and i dive in to the delicious creative energy that surrounds me in every moment.

i am a creative being.

i am positively bursting with creative ideas. i know that every single act of creative expression, no matter how big or how small, is important and valuable and needed in this world. i know that my creative ideas and expressions are important and valuable and needed in this world.

so i take my beautiful creative ideas and i let them out, i share them with the world, i allow them to touch the hearts of other creative beings and inspire them to share their creative ideas more fully. we inspire each other, we nurture each other, and we all grow creatively together.

we are all creative beings.

together we create a world of creative freedom, of inspiration and delight. a world where each one of us is supported in creating lives that nurture and support our unique creative expression. a world where each person's unique creative expression is valued and honoured as a gift.

we create this world as we dive into the delicious creative energy together.

Ready, set, GO!

2009-12-06T22:27:00.001-06:00

Laundry finished and folded so that the family can find clothes when I'm gone? Check.
Groceries bought so that the family can eat while I'm gone? Check.
Christmas tree up and decorated? Check.
Pants hemmed for Marcel & me? Check.
Rental car booked? Check.
Winter parka purchased for oldest daughter so that she doesn't freeze when the weather starts to drop? Check.
Funky bag picked up from Joyce and packed full of travel goodies? Check.
Underwear packed? Check.
All other necessary clothing items packed? Check.
Hostess gifts and orientation material for new volunteer packed? Check.
Passport picked up from the post office? Check.
Haircut? Check.
Book to read on the plane? Check.
Flat Madeline safely tucked in my carry-on luggage? Check. (By the way, if you're one of the gracious people who offered to host her, I'll be lining up some visits when I'm back from my wandering.)
Camera, cell phone, laptop, mp3 player, and all the necessary chargers, download cords, etc. packed? Check. (Well almost - I have to put the laptop in the bag when I'm finished typing this.)
Taxi booked for the morning? Check.
Guest bloggers and interview responses lined up and ready to post when I'm gone? Check.
Powerpoint presentations prepared for trip? Uhhhh... nope. Guess that one will have to happen on the plane.

Guess I'm ready to go. All that finished, and it's only 10:15! (No, I'm NOT staying up to midnight to work on the presentations that didn't get finished.)

Madeline takes the spotlight

2009-12-06T08:34:00.000-06:00

When I threw out an invitation for interview questions, Connie, the delightful artist behind Dirty Footprints Studio, decided it would be fun to interview Maddie, the budding artist in our home.

Hi Maddie!! My name is Connie Hozvicka and I am an Art teacher, and the artist over at the blog Dirty Footprints Studio. Getting to know you and your art work is one of my favorite parts of your Mom's blog. Thanks for taking the time to do this interview with me!

I call my studio Dirty Footprints Studio--that's where I do all my artwork. Do you have a name for your studio as well?

I call it "I like Art Studio". It's kind of small. It's under a table.

What are your favorite materials to use in making art?

Crayons, paint brushes, paint, and paper. And scissors. Recently I made a flat person - I flattened myself to look like a pancake. I call it Flat Madeline. We were doing an activity at school where we were making flat people and I decided to make one at home. These are the materials I used for my flat person.

Who is your favorite artist and why?

Leonardo DaVinci. Because I like the Mona Lisa.

What is your favorite color?

Pink. And purple. And blue. And bright green.

What advice do you have for people just starting out making art?

Start by doing something easy and then work your way up to harder stuff. Start by going to the store to get some art supplies and then test them out.

What other fun things do you like to do when you are not making art?

Soccer and swimming. I like to play with my stuffed monkey, Joe Banana.

What piece of art work are you most proud of and why?

My painting that I made for my sister called "The Purse". I'm proud of it because it's good.

Thank you Maddie!!! I hope one day we can paint and make Creative Juicy ART together. Big hugs!!
Connie

For more on the adventures Madeline the artist, check out her NEW BLOG! Yup, that's right, since she likes to steal the spotlight around here, we thought it was time she set up her own space. Go on over and visit! www.madelinemakesart.blogspot.com

What a week!

2009-12-04T22:54:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, it seems, everything shows up in the same week. Like this week. Board meetings, concerts, school events, church events, board dinner, new staff starting - and that's just the big stuff. In between there are kids to feed and deliver to soccer practices, flyers to help deliver, groceries to buy, etc., etc.

I survived. That's about all I have to say.

And somewhere in there I managed to squeeze in a very worthwhile visit to the Karsh exhibit at the Winnipeg Art Gallery. It's worth the price of admission.

Plus I managed to finish reading "The School of Essential Ingredients" - a delightful read!

Oh... and the Jann Arden concert? Fabulous. I've seen her five or six times and she just keeps getting better and better.

One other thing... I may be one of the only women on the planet, but I did NOT sleep with Tiger Woods. My husband almost wishes I had so we'd be "in the money". But buddy, you're the only one who shares MY bed!

Just one more thing... my friend M is one of the least racist people I know, no matter who says otherwise. (You know I love you, M!)

Embracing my inner art-lovin' peace-lovin' hippie

2009-12-04T09:05:00.002-06:00

It's been a full and exhausting week, but oh the good things that have come in the midst of all this craziness! To cap off the goodness, I won the bid on this AMAZING bag from Joyce, and now I can truly embrace the peace-lovin' hippie in me!

How perfect is it that I'm buying a peace-sign bag from re-purposed fabric in support of justice and food for the people of Darfur!?! Everything about it just screams "this is meant to be Heather's bag!" I hope to have it in time for my east coast tour next week (Joyce lives a half hour from me), 'cause I'll be able to tell myself I'm just a free-spirited hippie out to convene with mother nature and a community of other hippies on the coast. Smile.

If you haven't checked out Joyce's Darfur Project yet, then WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! Go there NOW. Bid on a bag. (It's okay - go - I'll still be here when you get back.) Bookmark it for future reference, and keep going back. I kept forgetting to visit until it was too late to bid on the bags I wanted, but it turned out to be serendipitous, because I showed up at just the right time to buy the bag that is my favourite of the bags I've seen so far (and she makes lots of cool bags).

While I'm wandering the East Coast with my hippie bag, one of the coolest things I'll be doing is visiting the artist Dale Cook in New Brunswick. Dale is putting on an art show in support of the organization I work for (Canadian Foodgrains Bank), and some of her paintings are based on my photos from India and Bangladesh. Here's one of my favourites from a photo I took in India. Isn't it beautiful?

I SO wish I could afford to buy it, but with kids who've suddenly outgrown winter coats and boots at the same time AND have this ridiculous expectation that they'll get Christmas presents (sheesh), that would prove to be a little difficult. Hopefully it will go to a good home. :-) Check out Dale's blog here.

I've got lots of other fun things lined up for my trip, including lunch and a studio visit with another artist/writer in Nova Scotia (whom I've admired from afar since I learned about her a few years ago and I'm in awe that I get to meet her face to face), and a meal in a restaurant/bakery that's developed a special bread recipe that they're dedicating to the Foodgrains Bank (every loaf they sell will support the work of ending hunger overseas). Plus I get to stay with my friend Randy (who gave me my triple spiral necklace on my last visit), and some other people that I really like (and expect to like once I meet the ones I've only spoken to on the phone so far) in three of the Atlantic Provinces.

It's a good life for a peace-lovin', art-lovin', bread-lovin', people-lovin', justice-lovin' hippie!

I hardly know what to say (but that never stopped me before)

2009-12-02T17:45:00.001-06:00

I am just bursting with good energy today. BURSTING! I want to write a post and tell you all about it, but I’m having a hard time putting into words what has happened this week. I keep starting and stopping, typing and then deleting.

I think I need to stew over this one a bit – let it mellow - before I try to explain what good things have happened, and how some really challenging things have shifted into amazing possibilities.

For now, let me tell you a few things that have become more clear to me this week:

When I am authentic and vulnerable with people, more often than not, I will be supported in ways I couldn’t have imagined.
When I really trust my leadership gifts, I am capable of more than I could have dreamed.
When I recognize that I don’t have to do this alone, I am caught off guard by how powerful teamwork can be.
When I acknowledge the fear, but then go forward anyway, I surprise myself with my capacity for boldness.
When I slow down, value the time for contemplation and reflection, and ignore the people who would like to rush me, I am way better off in the long run.
When I trust my own vision and wisdom in an area I am immersed in, I am much further ahead than when I assume others have more expertise than I do.
When I get my ego out of the way, and let God guide me through rough waters, I don’t have to paddle so hard.

I feel a little like crying right now, but the tears would be good tears. They would be tears of relief, healing, and happiness.

A (virtual) party and a request...

2009-12-01T11:23:00.001-06:00

December 15th will mark a big day around here for the Fumbling for Words blog. It will this blog's 5th anniversary AND if all goes as planned, it will also be my 1000th post! That’s a lot of reasons to celebrate, so I’m cooking up some goodies to share (yes, there WILL be prizes) and a few things to inspire your creative juices.

In the meantime, though, I have to cram in a few posts between now and then to get to 1000. And next week I’ll be on the road, so posting opportunities will be slim. Soooo… I need your help with a couple of things…

1. Interview me! As I was looking over my blog archives, I came across a few posts where I’d answered people’s random interview questions and they were really fun to re-read. So here’s your chance – leave a comment on this post asking a question about whatever you’d like to know about me. I’m an open book, so go ahead and ask… My shoe size? My bra size? (Yes, I already posted about that, so if you dig hard enough, you’ll find it.) What’s my favourite childhood memory? What’s the hardest thing I’ve ever lived through? Just ask! (But don’t ask my kids’ favourite question – who’s my favourite daughter? If it’s Monday, it will be Nikki, if it’s Tuesday, it will be Julie, if it’s Wednesday, it will be Maddie – the rest of the days are free-for-all.)

2. I’m looking for some guest bloggers! With my busy travel schedule next week (New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, PEI – here I come!), I won’t get to blog much, so this is your chance to speak your mind at Fumbling for Words. The topic can be your choice, but I’d like it to be something fairly uplifting/celebratory/inspiring/creative in honour of my blog-iversary. Maybe you’d even like to write something about what has inspired you most at FFW? If you’re up for the challenge, send me an email at heatherpl at mts dot net. I’ll need all submissions by Friday, December 4th so that I can set them up to post while I’m away.

Thanks for being part of the lovely little community hear at Fumbling for Words!

Art (almost) every day

2009-11-30T21:42:00.001-06:00

Well, Art Every Day Month is over in just a few hours. I wasn't fully successful at creating art every day - life got in the way a few too many times - but I made an effort, and that's good enough for me.

This afternoon, I showed a friend the "Strength of her hands" painting, and he marveled at how I find the time - with a demanding career (that involves travel), three active children (who like it when I show up for volleyball games, soccer games, and band concerts as often as possible), and all the other things that need to be done like housework, laundry, grocery shopping, etc. - to paint and write.

There are a few answers to that question. For one thing, I do as little housework as possible, and (sadly) it shows. Marcel does a fair bit (because he's home more than I am), and the girls are old enough to contribute, but we've grown used to living with "good enough" when it comes to housework.

For another thing, I find snippets of time when I can - while I'm doing laundry (it helps that my studio is right next to the laundry room, so I can sneak in there), when the youngest (and most demanding of my energy) member of the household is asleep, etc. - and I make do with that. Since I travel, I bank time now and then, and occasionally take a day all to myself when I can get longer periods for more concentrated work. The TV holds very little temptation for me, so most of my leisure time is spent with a book, a computer, or a paint brush.

This month, one of the things that worked for me was that I included Maddie in the fun. She loves nothing more than to "do art with Mom", so she and I often disappear into the studio for some art fun after supper. She's getting old enough now that she can get absorbed in a project and not need constant care and attention from me, so it's working fairly well to do parallel projects with her (or sometimes we do joint projects).

The truth is, I know myself well enough to know that if I don't find at least a little time for creative activity, I'll go stir crazy. The longer I've been away from a creative project, the more I start getting agitated and grumpy and the people around me suffer. So it's best to find the time (even just 15 minutes here and there make a difference) and everyone in the household ends up happier.

I'm grateful to people like Leah who inspire us to try to be creative every day. Thanks Leah!

******
A few other art-related tidbits...

Bailey, you can scratch "The War of Art" off your wish list, because your prize copy will be in your mailbox soon (along with the piece of art I promised you in return for your contribution to my studio)!
I've been looking for an opportunity for Nikki to get a little more exposure to the world of fashion design (since she's not able to play sports until at least March), and today I got an email back from a local designer who's willing to have Nikki come into her studio to help out now and then. Both Nikki and I are kind of excited about this!
Next week I'm flying to New Brunswick and one of the things I'll be doing is going to an art show and hanging out with the artist. What fun! I'll post more about that soon.

This is the beginning

2009-11-30T09:17:00.000-06:00

Today marks another beginning. I have a new employee starting today. It's the first of the three we hired recently - the other two will start in the new year.

It's a new beginning because it marks a new chapter in my journey as an evolving leader. I've been a positional leader for a dozen years or so, but each role I take on pushes me to a new level. (I purposefully say "positional leader" because I believe there are all kinds of ways of being a leader without every having the position.)

Expanding my team this year and adding a big new strategic plan is going to stretch me (and my team) in ways I haven't been stretched before. In this year of trying to be more fearless, this may very well be the biggest step I'll take.

Today I am being called to:

trust my instinct more.
be bold and push forward into spaces I've never been before.
thicken my skin and brave the resistance that always comes when we push into something new.
challenge those people who don't want to give their energy to the team's direction and purpose
be authentic, vulnerable, and humble, even at the risk of embarrassing myself
trust my own wisdom and my ability to be the "voice of authority"
be true to myself and what I believe I am being called to do
be brave enough to admit failure and strong enough to pick myself up and try again

Six months ago, I put a big proposal forward to the board. It was approved, though not without some resistance on the part of both board and staff. Six months ago, I started slipping into a deep pit of restlessness, fear, frustration, and yes... I believe depression. I wrestled with demons that said I wasn't good enough, smart enough, or capable enough. I battled obstacles I wasn't prepared for, with two staff resigning, challenges with a consulting company, conflict on my team, and all measure of personal angst and unease.

This week, the board meets again (for semi-annual meetings). I'm still a little fearful and still not sure I can do what I know I need to do, but something in me has shifted. I'm ready to move into this new challenge. I'm ready to trust that I am not doing this alone - that God has equipped me with the skills I need to succeed, or the courage I need to fail.

Let it begin.

Some things that make me smile

2009-11-29T09:03:00.001-06:00

Watching my youngest daughter fall in love with reading...

Baking mountains of Christmas goodies with my mom, sister, daughters, and niece...

Meeting my friend Eveline's first granddaughter...

Shaped by the Shadows

2009-11-27T10:37:00.004-06:00

I’ve been thinking a lot about shadows lately. Last weekend when I was painting hands and faces, it occurred to me that most of my energy was spent trying to get the shadows right. Without the shadows on a painting or photograph, the hands and face have no shape.

It struck me that that’s a powerful metaphor for life. Sometimes we get lost in the shadows. It feels like the light has passed us by and may never shine on us again. Eventually, though, (and sometimes very slowly) we emerge from the shadows into the light, and the warmth and brightness is so much richer because of the time spent in the shade.

If there were only light in our lives, it would seem flat and uninteresting. But throw in some shadows and various intensities and shades of light, and suddenly you have shape and beauty. Though it was hard to believe at the time, I am a richer person for having been through the shadows of death, rape, more death, the near loss of my beloved, and many lesser shadows.

Making Art

Dipping my brush into the paint

I wrestle with the shadows

The face emerges

Only because light balances with dark

Dipping my memories into the past

I wrestle with the shadows

The beauty emerges

Only because hope balances with fear

The War of Art - words of wisdom from Steven Pressfield

2009-11-25T22:08:00.005-06:00

"Remember our rule of thumb: The more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it." - Steven Pressfield, The War of Art

It's a pretty good sign that you've got a great book in your hands when you can't stand reading it without a pen close by. The War of Art is one of those books. It's a quick read with lots of wisdom packed into its pages.

Steven Pressfield has been reaching out to bloggers, and I got a chance to lob a few questions his way...

1. I've only read part of the book so far, but in the part I've read, you approach the idea of "life's work" and "resistance" from the perspective of someone who knows his life's work is to write. What about those people who have a lot of creative talents and they're not sure what to focus on for their life's work? What suggestions do you have for them?

Remember that old Lovin' Spoonful song, Heather?

Did you ever have to make up your mind?

To say yes to one and leave the other behind?

It's not often easy, not often kind.

Did you ever have to make up your mind?

It's really hard when one is multi-talented and pulled in multiple directions. It was easier for me because I can't do much of anything except write. What I would say is this:

If we find that we're pulled in multiple creative directions--start a business, write a screenplay, move to India and work for the Mother Teresa Foundation--the key question to ask ourselves is, "Which one am I most afraid of?" Put another way: "Which one elicits the most powerful Resistance?"

I say in The War of Art that Resistance can help us in a weird way in that it can tell us what we have to do. If Resistance is our enemy (and it is) and if it wants us NOT to tackle Project X, then...

2. What advice do you have for parents trying to foster creativity in their children? Can we do things to help them grow into adults who give in to resistance less?

That's a great question. I'm not a parent so I can only answer theoretically. One thing I heard once that made a lot of sense to me was on a disk called "An Interview with the Coach," which was an interview of Dan Sullivan of Strategic Coach by Joe Polish of the Genius Network Interview series. It's worth tracking down, this disk, by logging onto "Strategic Coach" or "Genius Network."

What Dan Sullivan was saying was that our schools don't teach the entrepreneurial mind-set. And they should. Instead our schools regiment our children. They prepare them to be cogs in a machine, to work for organizations, etc. Nobody teaches us the skills of self-motivation, self-discipline, self-validation that are necessary to succeed as an artist or an entrepreneur or anybody who follows his or her own heart and who values the work for its own sake and for the joy it brings us, rather than just chasing a paycheck.

I think a parent should identify in her own mind the virtues that she'd like to teach her children and then teach them just like she would anything else--i.e., reward them when they appear spontaneously, reinforce them in all ways, talk equal-to-equal to the child about the reasons why these qualities are virtues and why they'll pay off. And be alert to counter-conditioning, to nip it in the bud or to amplify it in the proper way. For instance, if your kid is on the football team and the coach is hammering him to work hard, be tough, fight till the bitter end (all good things, in my opinion), amplify this by highlighting for your child the difference between externally-enforced motivation (what the coach is doing) and internally-enforced motivation (what the child will need when he goes out on his own.)

What virtues and what skills am I talking about? They're the virtues of self-reliance (see the famous essay by Emerson): patience, kindness to oneself, self-motivation, self-discipline, self-validation, generosity toward others, ability to endure hardship, delayed gratification, the talent of listening to one's own heart and trusting one's own intuition.

3. Do you think the proliferation of blogs and social media networks is fostering more creativity in our culture or less? (ie. Do you think this is offering more writers and artists the opportunity to try out their craft or is it just giving us more opportunity for resistance?)

Great question, Heather! To me, the qualities of mind that produce really good work (and also, in my opinion, produce happiness) are focus, concentration, the ability to go deep, and perseverance over time. Things like Facebook and Twitter promote the exact opposites--shallowness, distractability, short attention spans, etc.

That being said, the one person in ten thousand who starts a blog and really goes deep with it may take the skills that she develops from this pursuit and use them at the next level--starting a business or non-profit, writing a novel, getting a Ph.D.

Note: I've got an extra copy of The War of Art, so if you're interested in it, leave a comment by Monday, Nov. 30 and I'll pick a winner.

Flat Madeline goes to Rome

2009-11-24T17:54:00.000-06:00

Maddie has been quite taken with the Flat Stanley books of late. (For those unfamiliar with them, Flat Stanley is a young boy who gets flattened when a bulletin board falls on him. Being a flat boy has its advantages - he gets to travel the world in envelopes.) Maddie's class is doing a Flat Student project in school, and Flat Madeline has already made her way to Kenya where she will spend a little time with my Aunt and Uncle, take a few pictures, meet some of the local schoolchildren, and then make her way back home.

Three dimensional Madeline made an extra Flat Madeline to keep at home and had taped her to her door where she was holding hands with the Flat Stanley cutout from the book we’d bought recently. (I think a romance was budding.) Two weeks ago, just as I was rushing out the door to fly to Alberta, I said “hey – maybe Flat Madeline would like to come with me!” 3D Madeline got very excited and tore her alter-ego off the door and tucked her in my computer case.

With the whirlwind of activities at the beginning of the trip, I didn’t remember to take Flat Madeline out until we’d reached Regina, halfway through the trip. There she finally got to eat soup with me and my companions after a long and arduous journey.

Dining with us was my friend and co-worker Paul, who was leaving directly from Regina to Rome to be part of the official Canadian delegation to the World Food Summit. Being a father himself whose own children had done Flat Stanley projects in the past, he said, “well, if Flat Madeline has her passport in order, she’s welcome to join me on my journey.”

Though I offered her the alternative of a day trip to the Rockies, Flat Madeline would have none of it. With barely a backwards glance in my direction, she jumped into his briefcase and was whisked away on an adventure across the ocean. When I told 3D Madeline about the change in travel plans, her eyes lit up with possibilities.

After Paul’s official duties were completed, he took his new flat friend on an adventure.

To Constantine’s Arch…

To the Colosseum…

And to Ostia Antica…

(I just love the fact that Paul, a policy wonk who was in Rome hanging around with big muckity-mucks in the upper echelons of power took the time to take pictures of a little child’s drawn paper cutout! It shows the whimsical father heart buried beneath his official position.)

Now that she’s had a taste of adventure, Flat Madeline won’t stop bugging me about where she can go next. If anyone would like to invite her to visit your part of the world, let me know in the comments (or by email) and 3D Madeline and I would be happy to serve as her travel agents.

The strength of her hands

2009-11-22T22:09:00.005-06:00

I like strong hands, especially on a woman. I'm not one for dainty, perfectly manicured hands. Give me strong work-worn hands with a firm grip over pale wimpy ones any day.

When I was traveling in India and Bangladesh last year, I often found myself captivated by women's hands. As in most developing countries, the women tend to do the lion's share of the work, especially on the farm. I've seen women maneuver plows, haul boats ashore, hand-wash their laundry on rocks by the river, cook meals over small household fire pits, carry water in large earthenware jugs, weave baskets, care for children, the sick, and the elderly, pound wheat into flour, carry home the firewood, dig up fresh potatoes, and build their homes out of twigs and mud. Such strong hands I have seen in so many places!

This weekend I tried to capture some of that strength in my painting. I haven't done watercolour in a few months, so it was lovely to have some time on Friday to get lost in the paints again.

It turns out hands are really hard to paint. Almost as hard as faces. My first attempts kept looking more like claws than hands. In the end I was more satisfied with the hands in the bottom two frames than the face in the top. (The face gave me no end of trouble because I was trying to capture the shadows that were cast on that really sunny day when we met Mina Baidya, the woman with the water jug. It's close, but not quite right.) I find it interesting that even though these photos were taken in 3 different regions (2 in India and one in Bangladesh), all of the women were wearing the same bracelets. And all three were wearing beautiful, brilliantly coloured saris even thought it was just an ordinary work day for them.

Note: it's not the best photo of it, since I had to take it inside with the flash. Plus it wasn't on a flat surface, so the top looks a little warped. If you're interested in seeing the original photos, look here, here, and here.

Thursday thirteen - Thirteen quick and random things

2009-11-19T21:23:00.002-06:00

1. Maddie just kicked my butt at the Winnie the Pooh stamp game. I'm licking my wounds and she's dancing on my pain. Ah, the callousness of children.

2. I'm going downstairs to watch The Border with my husband. A little mindless TV now and then? A good thing.

3. I'm completely sick and tired of hearing about Sarah Palin. I wish the media would just shut up about her already. WHY are they giving her so much air time? (And PLEASE don't tell me they're going to give her a talk show.)

4. This morning I heard Linda Duxbury talk about the crazy burn-out there tends to be among middle managers and suddenly the last six months TOTALLY made sense.

5. Tomorrow is my "take a day off to recouperate from all the intense travel and writing board reports and hiring new staff time lately". Yay.

6. I'm declaring tomorrow "play with paint" day. My only goals for the day involve making fun things and getting some rest.

7. Saturday is our second annual three-generational Christmas baking party. Anyone have any great suggestions for recipes for Christmas goodies?

8. Six months of stress? Yeah, well, it seems it equals about 15 pounds of extra weight to add to the whack I already had to lose. Blah. That's all I have to say on THAT subject. (Except for this one thing - WHY do I have to gain most of my weight in my boobs?!?)

9. I bought some groovy new mitts. I don't remember ever having mitts that I loved for their colourful funkiness before.

10. Adding a little colour to my winter wardrobe makes me want to go out and buy a fun and colourful parka. That may have to be my Christmas present to myself.

11. I'm going to see Twilight with my oldest 2 daughters tomorrow night. I'm a little embarassed to admit I'm looking forward to it. Yes, I read all of the books and enjoyed them more than I expected.

12. Given those 15 extra pounds, wouldn't you think I'd have had the good sense NOT to eat that Rolo ice cream tonight? Sigh.

13. Maddie is taking her fish Bobbert to show and tell tomorrow. Here's hoping there are no mishaps.

This is what hope looks like

2009-11-18T12:29:00.001-06:00

Driving across the prairies last week, after 3 intense days of meetings, presentations, and connecting with my national staff, I had one of those lovely epiphanies that comes once in awhile when we're open to them. The sun was just beginning to set on the horizon and the gentle light was glistening off the railroad tracks. The yellow light was so warm and inviting. I pulled onto a side road just to gaze at it in wonder, and the thought came to me, "this is what hope looks like". It looks like a warm welcoming light on the horizon. It looks like glistening railroad tracks inviting us down a gentle journey into something new. It looks like a familiar and cozy, yet intriguing and mysterious prairie landscape. It looks like telephone lines connecting us to the people we love.

It felt so good to recognize hope again. I've been through a tumultous time these past six months and I was beginning to feel like hope was stubbornly hiding behind a huge mountain of stressors and frustrations. I was so unsettled and restless I was ready to toss some of the things I cared about just to feel free again. I'd come up against so much resistance and apathy, I'd begun to doubt the value of my own wisdom and ideas. I'd lost some of my effectiveness and imagination and I wasn't sure how to get it back. I had huge hurdles to cross in my leadership role and I just wasn't sure I had the strength (or capacity) to cross them.

Six months ago, I was lost in the shadows. I took a week off work and spent most of the week crying. I was completely overwhelmed with my life (mostly the career part of it, not the family part) and couldn't see the way out. There was no shimmering railroad track on the horizon beckoning me forward. A few months later, I came very close to quitting my job or at least taking an extended leave of absence. The timing was really horrible, though, since I was about to launch a big new marketing and fundraising strategy that included the hiring of two new people and a whole lot of difficult work with a marketing consultant (with the board looking over my shoulder). On top of that, two of my other staff handed in their notices, so I had four positions to fill and four people to integrate into a team that was, at best, a little dysfunctional.

I struggled through and tried to find other areas in which to place my hope. I launched a new website, I became part of a new fledgling community, I connected with some very dear friends who share some of my leadership challenges (Pinky the Bear - you know who you are), and I went for a lot of walks. Each of those things worked for awhile, but mostly the relief was short-lived and soon I found myself floundering in hopelessness again.

Last week as I drove, something in me shifted. The stressors didn't all disappear, but most of them began to feel like they were manageable again. I can hardly tell you how refreshing the meetings and connecting time with my staff were. I was beginning to feel like I had something to offer as a leader again. But at the same time, I was recognizing that some of the things I'd taken on I didn't have to carry by myself - other members of the team were willing and able to carry them with me. The newest member of the team brought with her such brightness and initiative that I was beginning to believe that some of the transitions we're going through will be just what we need.

Yesterday we completed the final interview for the fourth and final position. Shortly after that, I finished writing my overdue board report in which I got to reflect on all of the work I'd actually managed to accomplish in the last 6 months despite the darkness. Suddenly, I felt like skipping down the hallway.

This feels like hope and OH, how I'm ready to follow it into the light!

p.s. I'm beginning to dream about writing a book on "leading with creativity, connection, and courage". As hard as they were, these past six months have felt like the perfect testing ground. I have a feeling the next six months - when the true test of whether I can lead in bold new ways comes - will be further grist for the mill. If anyone has ideas on what they'd really love to read in a leadership book, spill them in the comments below!

Run to the mountains

2009-11-16T17:00:00.000-06:00

Waking from her nap, Hippie Me tucked Corporate Me away with the business attire and powerpoint presentations, hopped in the shiny blue rental car and headed for the mountains. I relished the thought of even just a few hours of pretending I was a free spirit again before flying home to family and obligations.

The closer to the mountains I got, the giddier I got. How can you not love the grandeur of the Rocky Mountains?

As I pulled into the town of Banff, though, a strange kind of melancholy settled on me. After stopping for a few cold photo ops, I took the familiar road toward Tunnel Mountain. When I passed the Banff Centre of Fine Arts, the melancholy grew and I started to cry.

I flashed back to the summer I used to find refuge from my chambermaid duties by hiking down Tunnel Mountain to the Centre to take in a concert or art show. It was a sad, sad time for me, that summer I turned nineteen. It was supposed to be the breakout summer for my adventurous spirit, surrounded by the beauty of the mountains, but instead it turned sour.

I came to Banff with high hopes that summer, and left wounded and raw. Faced with an abusive boss who took chunks out of my fledgling self-esteem as often as she could, a job that revealed nothing but my weaknesses (cleaning, precision) day after day, a room-mate who didn't really like me, and other friends who I'd come with who were happier in each other's company and didn't really need a third wheel, I was lonely and depressed all summer long.

The Banff Centre of Fine Arts provided occasional escape, but mostly it just made matters worse because it reminded me how inadequate I was. I dreamed of being a student there, but never actually believed I belonged there. I was an incompetent, unaccomplished, unartistic outsider who could, at best, only hope to be inspired by other real artists. Let's face it - I couldn't even clean a hotel room properly, how could I possibly be good enough to be an artist?

I had planned to continue my adventure after that summer by changing schools and moving to a different province, but instead, I nursed my wounds and opted for safe and small choices, returning home to what I knew.

I'm not the same person I was twenty-four years ago. I've faced many of those demons and found ways of taking risks I didn't know I was capable of. And yet here I was, crying over the memory of her sadness.

After parking in downtown Banff, I gathered my camera and the book I'd promised to find a place for, and wandered across the bridge at the edge of town. I found the perfect place on the railing of the old stone bridge in arguably one of the most beautiful locations in the world. I took pictures and walked away. It all seemed so perfect.

Suddenly, I felt like skipping. The book drop had done wonders for my spirit. Banff is full of not only tourists, but young people just like I'd been - coming from all over the world to work for a few months in the service industry in an interesting location before going back to school or moving on to the next adventure. I pictured a younger version of me finding that book just when she needed it most. I pictured the difference it might have made in my nineteen-year-old life. I wanted to believe I'd been a conduit for something special happening for a young woman in the blossoming time of her life.

Fantasizing about the person who'd find it (and even imagining I might see her later walking through downtown with the book tucked under her arm), I crossed the river and killed some time in a Native arts centre. When I was sure I'd left enough time (quite a few people had crossed the bridge by then), I headed back into town.

The book was still there. Someone had torn open the tape on the paper packaging, peeked inside, and left it all behind. I was heartbroken. How could someone see such a beautiful book free for the taking and not whisk it away to a private little hideaway for some quality soul time?

I did my best to re-seal the package, propped the book back up, and walked away again.

About half an hour later, standing in a gallery staring at paintings and photographs that I was suddenly aware were no better than what I could produce, a thought flashed through my mind. Maybe I was meant to take the book. Maybe this was MY ordinary sparkling moment.

I didn't think the book would still be there, but I decided that if it were, it was meant to be mine. Pretending for a moment I was my nineteen-year-old self crossing the bridge to my forty-three-year-old self, I returned to where I'd left the book. It was still there, lying on its side again, like someone else had rejected it and assumed it was meant for someone else.

I took it, but not without HUGE reservations and a whole lot of arguing with myself. (Aren't you cheating? Maybe Christine will be angry. Shouldn't you fulfill your duties like you promised? You're failing again!)

Steeling my resolve, I marched back into town with the book tucked under my arm. The arguments didn't fully stop (I considered dropping the book on a bench, or giving it to a lovely woman in an art gallery or to one of the owners of the "Three Wild Women" boutique), but in the end, I chose to make it mine.

In a flash of inspiration, I walked into a jewellery store and bought myself a promisary ring. (I later learned that the blue chalcedony is meant to strengthen the body and mind and give the wearer a sense of clarity about what they like and don't like.)

In the Wild Flour café, I wrote myself a promise note.

I promise:
- I will take more chances.
- I will believe that I am an artist.
- I will trust my ability.
- I will look for opportunities to paint and make art as often as I can.
- I will sign up for another class or workshop that stretches me.
- I will honour the muse.

It's never too late to learn the things I should have known that summer I turned 19.

(If you look closely at the picture above, you'll see that I picked up a brochure for the Banff Centre of Fine Arts. Maybe... someday...)

I drove back to Calgary wearing my new ring. I am rather fond of the way it looks on my weathered 43 year old hand.

On the flight home, I read my new book. Perhaps, on my next trip, I'll pass it on to someone else who needs it, but for now, it sits on a shelf in my lovely little studio reminding me that I AM AN ARTIST!

Lift off

2009-11-11T18:51:00.004-06:00

It's a sure sign that I am preparing to leave on another business trip when there's a line of Maddie's clothes on the dining room table - one outfit for each of the days I'll be away. Marcel's very capable of managing the household when I'm away, but the one thing I do for him before I leave is make sure the youngest member of the family will be properly dressed.

I have flown at least a hundred times, and yet each time I do, I still get that giddy feeling of anticipation each time the wheels tuck under the body of the plane and the giant machine is airborne. I love to fly.

I am in Calgary. Tomorrow I will embark on a crazy road trip that consists of four cities in two provinces in four days. I'm fond of road trips too, but this one will be a little exhausting, especially since it's mixed with a whole lot of "acting like an extrovert and doing the public relations side of my job". I have my extrovert moments, but I'm glad these moments will be mixed with lots of introvert moments in the car.

Right now, though, I'm enjoying the company of my brother, sister-in-law, niece, and nephew. It's one of the perks of business travel - getting to hang out with people I like in different parts of the world.

Speaking of my brother, he's a very talented Technogeek dude who's created a very cool techno gadget that you can use for your church, your community, your family, your business - whatever - to share reminders like prayer requests, meeting details, or whatever you want to share in a little gadget that shows up on everyone in your group's computers. Read about it here.

This is how nice it was this weekend...

2009-11-09T18:38:00.002-06:00

Mindfulness Monday #2

2009-11-09T13:34:00.002-06:00

This sunny Monday morning, I am mindful of:
- Sunshine. Lots of it. And warmth too.
- The vision and artistry of the people who designed The Forks in our city. It’s a truly lovely place to hang out on a Saturday morning.
- Sitting on the bench where Marcel and I pledged our lives to each other. And the 18 and a half rocky, beautiful, painful, happy, fun, agonizing, rewarding, frustrating years since then.
- Watching Maddie wander with the eye of an artist.
- Watching Julie playfully play her flute on the front lawn.
- Watching Nikki tease her little cousin over their shared love of shoes.
- Watching a little four year old girl (my niece) skipping across a parking lot in her shimmery gauzy yellow dress on the way to her champagne birthday tea party.
- Seeing the look of delight and recognition on my little nephew’s face when he spotted me across a crowded church
- Hearing my smart, talented, humble, bold brother preach one of the best (and most challenging) sermons I’ve heard in a long time.
- Cinnamon buns. From the best bakery in town.
- Clean and FOLDED laundry. (Putting it away would be bonus points. I consider it a success if it’s folded and accessible to all members of the family.)
- A ladybug crawling up my arm. Still alive – in November.
- Sleep. Pure delicious uninterrupted sleep.

An ordinary sparkling moment

2009-11-07T13:05:00.000-06:00

Maddie has joined Art Every Day Month along with me, so today we decided to combine our artist endeavours with our commitment to being book fairies for Christine Mason Miller's 100 Books Project. The result was a delightful "book fairy photo walk".

What am I afraid of?

2009-11-05T17:09:00.002-06:00

Our deepest fear
is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear
is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness,
that frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be
brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.
(Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure
around you.)

We were born to make manifest
the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fears,
our presence automatically liberates others.

- Marianne Williamson.

This quote has been on my mind a lot lately. I think I am afraid of my own power.

For the last several months, I've been thinking that I wanted to do something "fearless" at the end of this year and in my dreams that meant quitting my job and jumping into self-employment.

But then some things happened. I took an online break for awhile to re-examine what I really wanted. I pushed past some of the stuff that had been blocking me at work. I took charge a little more. I got a little more creative at work. I read a book called "How Remarkable Women Lead" and realized that I truly do love leadership and would miss it if I weren't doing it any more.

It started to dawn on me that my desire to leave my current position was not really about being more fearless, it was about running away from fear. You see, I have a whole bunch of big opportunities at work right now - new staff to hire, a big new social marketing strategy (and a budget to go with it) - and deep down, it was scaring the crap out of me. It was calling me to move into a whole new level of leadership and (especially given the fact that I was dealing with some dysfunction issues on my team and 2 people quitting, as well as some frustrations with a consultant) I was quite sure I was going to fall flat on my face. It was more pressure than I'd ever felt as a leader, because now I was having to prove to the board that what I'd proposed and got funding and approval for was the right direction for this organization to take, even if most of my team members (and some board members, truth be told) were not standing behind me.

I'm still quaking in my boots, and I still might fall flat on my face, but you know what? I think I can do this. I think I have more leadership ability than I thought.

Trusting your own instincts, being bold in the face of resistance, risking failure and disgrace - it's all really quite scary. I still have so much to learn about fearlessness.

I don't know much

2009-11-03T15:01:00.001-06:00

I don't know how to be a "real" artist,

but I know that when I push paint around on a canvas, it makes me giddy with anticipation.

I don't know if I'm a good parent

or if my kids will turn out alright,

but I know that the time I spent with Maddie making a painting (below)

was the best possible use of that half hour I could imagine.

I don't know the "right" way to be religious or to have a relationship with God,

but I know that when I sit quietly in my studio painting,

I feel the presence of the Spirit and sometimes that is enough.

I don't know how things will work out in my life,

or which direction the future will lead me,

but I know that when I immerse myself in creativity - leading, teaching, and doing - I am content.

I don't know how to keep up with all of the demands in my life,

but I know that if I don't find at least a little time for wild and carefree creative play, I go a little crazy.

I don't know how to do so many things - sing, dance, knit, draw -

but I know that when I give myself to the act of creating, I surprise myself again and again.

I don't know if I'll ever have a clean, organized house,

but I know that I will always surround myself with colour and light,

and most days, that feels like it's good enough.

I don't know if I will succeed at creating every day
(especially with a 4 cities in 4 days crazy business trip coming up in the middle)

but I know that I will have fun trying
and I will let "doodling in the margins" count as art.

With some fear and trepidation, I've joined "art every day month".

I need a road map

2009-11-02T12:03:00.002-06:00

I’m not one to ask for directions very easily, but I do rely heavily on maps. I like to figure out my own way of getting places, and don’t really like admitting when I’m lost. Every once in awhile, though, the road maps have their limitations and the only thing we can do is turn to someone who has prior knowledge of the area to point the way. One way or another, I find some wisdom to help find my destination.

When it comes to parenting right now, it feels like we have neither road-maps nor wise advisors. So much is changing so quickly in our world that there really aren’t any more experienced parents who’ve dealt with many of the issues we’re dealing with. I was a farm girl raised without a television, and now I’m raising city kids in an era in which they have more Facebook friends than were resident in my small town. When I was in high school, to do a computer exercise, you filled out a stack of cards with pencil marks in little circles. (Yes, I really am that old.) The output came in the form of a mile-long paper printout that took 30 minutes to print. Now my kids can take pictures with a computer they hold on their laps and put together elaborate videos and post them for all the world to see. When I was growing up on the farm, we had one phone in the house and we were on a party line. If a neighbour was on the phone, we had to wait our turn. Now my kids can not only send text messages instantly to their friends from the car, the mall, or wherever they are, but they can take pictures of themselves and share those in an instant.

When it comes to areas of faith, it’s not much different. One might say “well, just go to the ancient texts (ie. the Bible, for those of us who are Christian) – they are timeless road maps for all of life, including parenting.” But the problem with that is that the way of interpreting the Bible that my parents used isn’t entirely relevant for me anymore either.

This weekend, I heard Phyllis Tickle talk about The Great Emergence. She believes that every 500 years or so, culture goes through a huge shift, where very little that we believed in the past is relevant anymore. It starts with a shift in science, and with that comes a shift in the way that we approach faith. The last shift was the Reformation, nearly 500 years ago. First it was a discovery that the world was not flat, and then came a realization that if the world is not flat, then heaven and hell cannot be as clearly delineated as “above” and “below”. And if the world is not flat, then perhaps there are other things scientists have not been telling us. Perhaps that means there are things that our spiritual leaders have not been telling us either, so maybe it’s time to educate ourselves in scripture rather than rely on the church’s interpretation. That led to massive growth in the numbers of people who were learning to read, primarily because Luther and his cohorts introduced the idea of turning to scripture as the authority rather than the church. (I realize I’m talking primarily about Christianity, but Tickle suggests that these 500 year shifts are also apparent in Judaism and Islam and perhaps other faiths as well.) Hence the Protestant church was born.

Now, 500 years later, we have been faced with another significant shift in the scientific “truths” that we accept. Things like the theory of relativity, quantum physics, space travel, and the introduction of computer technology have dramatically changed how we view the world and our place in it. With that, says Tickle, comes another shift in the way we approach faith. If a human body is less literal than we once believed it was, and we can break it down even beyond the molecular structure to energy and strands of dna, then perhaps scripture can no longer be interpreted as literally as it once was either. Metaphor and narrative are becoming much more relevant. The “rules” of how we do church and how we interpret the world that many of us were raised with no longer fully apply.

Which brings me to parenting. My faith has shifted significantly since I was a child. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but it’s my reality. I just can’t interpret scripture the same way I was taught in Sunday School, and I can’t give my children the same answers I got. Sometimes I wish I could (it would make life easier), but I can’t. It just doesn’t make sense to me to accept traditional teaching on issues such as women in leadership, loving same sex relationships, etc. I don’t even know what to do with “I am the way the truth and the life” and “no one comes to the Father but by me” when I see so much beauty and value and apparent access to a loving God in other faith traditions (not to mention creativity in the way God communicates with people).

That doesn’t mean that I don’t have faith in a triune God – it just means that it’s shifted. When I listen to Phyllis Tickle talk, I recognize that I am not alone in this shift. It’s happening to a significant number of people who are disgruntled with the traditional church and are just waiting for Luther to nail his thesis to the door.

But in the meantime, I need to parent, and parenting means trying to instill wisdom in our children. Sometimes I feel like all I have to add to their questions are more questions instead of answers. I don’t have a road map and I can’t pretend to them that I do. All I can do is muddle through and hope that we all emerge successfully (whatever "success" looks like).

(Note: This is a really rough paraphrase of Phyllis Tickle’s talk – to learn more, you can read the book. If you ever get a chance to hear her talk, do it – she is one of the most brilliant and engaging presenters I have ever heard.)

Halloween costumes (or what I was obsessed with all week)

2009-11-01T08:07:00.006-06:00

This is why I haven't gotten much sleep this week. The green egg, milk, and oreos costumes are all from this year and the Tootsie Roll and elephant are from years past. (I'm happy to be able to share my old costumes with my lovely little niece - at least they're still being put to good use!) And in case you're wondering, Marcel didn't go out as oreo cookies - he was just modeling it for the picture.

I can't take responsibility for the green ham - that would be my talented friend Jo-Anne.

And then sometimes you're wrong (or at least I am)

2009-10-31T17:45:00.002-05:00

Shortly after writing the last post about first impressions, I remembered a fairly recent time when my first impressions were dead wrong. I was at an event where I knew few people. I started talking with one woman at my table, because I thought she was the seatmate I'd probably have the most in common with. There was another woman at the table that I barely gave a second glance because she didn't look like someone I'd bond with. She was conservatively dressed, and, at first glance, she looked like she was a dutiful wife who let her husband take the lead. Boy was I wrong! When I started talking to her, I found out she was quite fascinating, was doing all kinds of interesting volunteer work in developing countries, and traveled a fair bit independently of her husband.

So there you go - as some suggested on the last post, first impressions can definitely be wrong!

Do you trust your first impressions?

2009-10-30T12:08:00.002-05:00

I’m in the middle of hiring three new staff people for my team, so I’m doing a LOT of job interviews. (Approximately 6 first interviews for each position and then 2 or 3 second ones for each – that’s about 25 interviews in about 3 or 4 weeks!)

I’ve been in leadership positions for about 12 years, so I’ve sat through hoards of interviews and hired a lot of people. I’m happy to say that I have almost always hired people who end up being a joy to work with. I think I’m a fairly good judge of character. Or at least I know how to pick people who will fit well with my personality and the team I lead (which – truth be told – is often most critical).

Even though we (I usually do it as part of a panel) ask a lot of interview questions, and almost always interview people twice before hiring them, plus we check references carefully, the truth of the matter is, much of it boils down to first impressions or gut instinct. Yes, the person needs to be qualified to do the job, but when we've done the initial screening and we're faced with two or three candidates with fairly equal qualifications, I’ll go with the one that I have the best gut feeling about.

It’s not that my opinion is fully formed in the first 30 seconds after I meet a person, but it’s not unusual that the person who impresses me the most throughout the interview process is the one that I felt a connection with almost instantly. If I were to try to quantify what it is I’m trying to pick up in the moment I shake the person's hand (and if you're doing interviews, I highly recommend shaking hands and looking the interviewer in the eye), I’d say that I have to see some evidence that the person is likeable, flexible, relational, pliable, attuned to their surroundings, self aware, eager to learn, and has a sense of humour. I know it's a lot to try to pick up all at once, but it's often surprising how accurate those 30 seconds can be. (For some interesting reading on this subject, I’d recommend Blink by Malcolm Gladwell. He’s got some interesting evidence for the power of first impressions.)

What about you – do you trust your first impressions? Have they ever steered you wrong? (In the interests of full disclosure, I do remember once when I was wrong and the person I liked at the beginning turned out to be a bit of a con artist.)

The three little girls that I'm raising and the one little girl that I was

2009-10-28T10:48:00.002-05:00

On her second birthday, Nikki spent about an hour trying on all of the clothes she’d just gotten as gifts, while the toys got brushed aside. She rarely wanted to ride in the stroller if she had the option of running. She scoffed at anyone who wasted her time with fairy tales or made-up entities like Santa Claus or the tooth fairy. Now that she’s thirteen, her friends call her the “Tyra Banks” of her group because of her passion for fashion. She dreams of the day her knee heals so that she can run, run, and run some more. (She’s jealous of me when I run on the treadmill – can you imagine?) She’d rather read a biography than a work of fiction any day.

At two, Julie had a better command of the English language than most teenagers. She learned to negotiate (and sometimes manipulate) almost as quickly as she learned to talk, and before long, we couldn’t keep enough books in the house to keep her happy. Now that she’s twelve, she volunteers for every public speaking opportunity that’s available to her, she’s trying to get a student council set up in her school so that students have more of a voice, and she’s almost always lost in a book.

Some of Maddie’s first words were “can you imagine if…” She filled our house with her imaginary playmates and all of the stuffed toys and dolls her sisters had tossed aside. Her favourite game was a fanciful round of “would you rather?” Now that she’s seven, she still plays “would you rather”, writes story books, paints pictures, calls herself an artist, and creates elaborate play spaces for her dolls under tables or chairs. She loves 3D movies and insists that they’re much better when you reach out for the things that come flying at you.

I don’t know how these things will continue to manifest themselves in my daughters, but I suspect some of it will shape the way their lives unfold. I hope that we as their parents have instilled in them enough of a belief that those passions have worth.

In more than one book I’ve read recently, writers claim that “our youthful passions serve as a foreshadowing of our calling or life’s work.” I want to honour the foreshadowing I see in my children, and so (in my moments of attentive parenting) I buy books on fashion for one of them, help another one coax school leadership to consider a student council, and climb under the table with the third and help her spell out the words for her latest work of fiction.

I want to go back to the child I once was and tell her the same things I try to say to my children. “Those hobbies you have? Those things that make you happy? They’re not just a waste of time. They have value. Don’t set them aside in pursuit of a more practical career. Trust them to direct you into your path. Don’t try to fit into the boxes you think you’re supposed to fit into.”

On the bus yesterday, I read “…just scribble your recollections of childhood passions in the margins here.” And so I did. This is what I wrote:

I loved to go places, either on my horse, my bike, or (on rare occasions when our family went on an adventure) in the car. I loved to wander all over the farm and thought of myself as an explorer in the woods. I had a special little hideaway in the middle of a bramble bush that you had to know how to navigate your way through to avoid the sharp thorns.

I was always creating something – macramé plant hangers, doll beds, decoupaged memory boxes - you name it. I learned to sew and was forever digging through my mom’s fabric closet for interesting scraps of fabric. I was happiest when I had a creative project on the go.

I wrote endless journals, stories, poems, one-act plays, or whatever tickled my fancy. My very first drama was a little play my friend Julie and I wrote and performed in our living room as a fundraiser for a mission organization. I wanted to speak and have people listen. I wanted to influence.

I would walk to the farthest field on the farm if I thought that Dad would give me a chance to drive the tractor. It felt like freedom to me, to be able to drive and to be trusted with something that was usually reserved for my big brothers. I thrilled at the little grin my Dad got when he was proud of my independence and determination.

I loved to be active. I would join almost any team or group activity that was available to me. I played ringette, soccer, volleyball, and baseball. I joined the drama club and the choir. I was never a star but I was always a joiner.

I gravitated toward positions of leadership and influence. I was student council president in grade 9. (After that, though, I had to go to the ‘big’ school in a much bigger town. I lost my confidence and didn’t run for student council again until college.)

What would that little girl tell me if only she could? What were the dreams she had that got set aside when bills had to be paid and careers had to be chosen?

I haven’t totally abandoned those things I loved to do. Even in the practicality of life, I’ve usually found some small way of honouring them. But sometimes we believe other voices rather than our own, we follow someone else’s idea of what our calling should be, and we set aside fanciful things for those that seem more pragmatic and realistic.

Somewhere along the line, most of the passions got relegated to “hobbies” rather than “life’s work”.

What about you?

Halloween calls my name.

2009-10-27T11:26:00.003-05:00

Okay, so what do a fried green egg (the Dr. Suess variety), a carton of milk, a box of oreo cookies, a tootsie roll, a can of Campbell’s soup, a punk rocker, a monkey, a sheep, a rabbit, an elephant, Einstein, a chef, a princess, M&M candy, and a couple of angels have in common? They’re all costumes that I have, at some past or current point, slaved over in the week leading up to Halloween. The first three in the list happen to be the ones I’ve given my life to this week.

Notice how much more complicated and obscure they are the beginning of the list then at the end? Yeah, it seems that three things have been happening over the years: a.) I like to challenge myself creatively and delight in sending my kids out in costumes nobody else on the block has, b.) I’m a sucker for punishment and every year I have a lapse in memory when I forget the stream of curse words that escaped my lips somewhere around midnight on the 30th, and c.) my kids have more confidence in my costume-making ability than I do and they’re bound and determined to come up with something that will stump me.

“Hello, my name is Heather Plett and I’m a Halloween costume (only the unique, hand-made variety - none of that cheap plastic crap) addict. It’s been 360 days since my last fix and last night I gave in to the little demon whispering in my ear once again. I’ve fallen off the wagon.”

I’ve spent way too much money this year (foam is frickin’ expensive!), I’ve over-promised again, I’ve already made one major blunder (gluing the fabric to the WRONG side of the foam – sigh), and… AND… (oh the shame!) I made the fatal blunder of agreeing to make a costume for my daughter’s friend!!! Because, well, if one is cookies and the other is milk, shouldn’t they kinda sorta match? Oh dear… what momentary madness told me it was a good idea to open THAT door? It was the flattery, I tell you… FLATTERY! To listen to my children rave about how “mom makes the BEST costumes”, well, it weakened my defenses and I gave in. Isn’t every mother weakened by the wiley charm of the offspring?

I just can’t help it! I'm weak! There's just something about hot glue guns, foam and fabric that makes me weak in the knees.

Truth is, I think it also has something to do with the fact that this is one small area that I can live up to my own expectations of "what makes a good mother". They may have to dig through laundry baskets for clean (or "gently used") socks, live through the humiliation of telling their teachers "my mom forgot to sign the form - AGAIN", put up with crappy meals (or make their own), but AT LEAST THEY'LL HAVE THE BEST DAMN HALLOWEEN COSTUMES ON THE BLOCK! Just give me that little thread to hang onto and I'll get through the failures that litter the rest of the year.

(Rather ironically – and somewhat ungratefully, I might add - my children complain every year about the rather pathetic lack of Halloween decorations at our house. It seems my creative expression hasn’t extended down that particular avenue.)

Mindfulness Monday #1

2009-10-26T09:13:00.002-05:00

I'm starting to like Mondays. Wierd, right? I don't know why, but lately I've found myself to be quite productive and creative on Mondays (even though I often start off rather sleepy and grumpy). Maybe it's because it's the first day back into the routine after a couple of days off that gives my creative mind a little jolt. Maybe it's just because I tend to be better at beginnings than middles or even ends.

In that light, I think I'm going to start a new practice on Mondays. Mindfulness Mondays - in which I try to be mindful of the things that have inspired me, the people who have comforted me, and the moments that have energized me over the past week.

Today I am mindful of:

the delight in the eyes of my daughter and niece as they watched the fire jugglers last night at Boo at the Zoo
the pleasure it gave me to facilitate a creativity workshop and watch people give themselves permission to create
the delight it gives me each time I re-read the creation story and remember that the very first thing God asked of the people (s)he created was that they join in the act of creation - by naming the animals
the fun of creating one-of-a-kind costumes with Julie and her friend
the recognition of the struggle Julie was going through, trying to let her friend's work be "good enough" even though it wasn't quite as good as she knew she could do
the happiness in Nikki's face after spending time with a friend
the feeling of gratitude that, so far, my daughters have chosen really good friends who are positive influences in their lives (especially after hearing the story of heartache of a father whose daughter has chosen otherwise)
the glimpse of fire red leaves outside my kitchen window as I washed the dishes
the relatively gentle weather we've been enjoying lately
the comfort of a long hot bath after a day-long workshop
the deep knowing that I am meant to create and engage people in creativity and I will have more chances to do both, soon
the comfort of knowing that I have done the right thing by choosing this space (and a scaled-back online presence) over the other one.

What are you mindful of this Monday morning?

Your thoughts on creativity?

2009-10-23T16:34:00.002-05:00

I have the great pleasure of facilitating a creativity workshop tomorrow. Oh the joy!

In preparation for this workshop, I went through the material I developed for an eight week creativity course several years ago and... OH MY GOSH! It brought back so many amazing memories! I was inspired all over again, thinking of the incredible discussions we had and the wonderful a-ha moments I had the pleasure of being part of, and reading the lovely, deeply personal thank you notes some of the participants gave me afterwards. I really, REALLY have to do this again. It was truly one of the greatest times of my life. I'm thinking I will try to find the time to do it again after Christmas.

In preparation for this class... what would you say was the greatest advice you ever received that helped foster your creativity? Or perhaps it was something non-verbal - something somebody modeled in their life or some way they supported you?

My blog(s) - A love story

2009-10-22T12:57:00.001-05:00

Once upon a time I had a blog. It was a friendly little blog that was happy being just the way it was with no great aspirations of one day growing up and hangin’ with the big blogs. I did what I wanted on that blog – wrote what I wanted, posted pictures that made me feel good, spilled random lists that flowed from my scattered brain - because I wasn’t too concerned about who showed up or how popular it became.

I started that blog nearly 6 years ago, when I was preparing for my first trip to Africa. Because the trip was so full of excitement, yet carried some old cultural and religious baggage that I wanted to deal with, I thought a blog might be a good way of working through some of that, as well as documenting parts of the trip for future walks down memory lane.

At first, I told no one of the blog, but then I discovered my sister and sister-in-law had secretly started blogs of their own, so we bravely shared URLs and started commenting. Soon some close personal friends started blogging, and before long, strangers started showing up for one reason or another. It was all very lovely and cosy and soon I felt like I had a nice little community of supportive friends surrounding me in cyberspace. The odd time weird things happened (like someone claiming one of my readers was a fraud), but those were pretty rare, since my blog wasn’t really drawing much attention to itself.

About six months ago, my life started feeling really restless, stuff at my day job started falling apart bit by bit, and it occurred to me that maybe I should revive my old dream of becoming a serious writer. Maybe I should start putting myself out there in cyberspace as some kind of “expert” with wisdom to share that people would eventually want to pay me to share. Maybe I should try to build a more “serious” blog.

So, with great love and care, I created a new space. It was all very exciting and gave me so much joy and pleasure to be creating something new and to have something positive to get energy from when other things in my life were feeling more like energy-sucking black holes.

People started showing up in larger numbers than they’d ever shown up at my other humble little blog and it was quite thrilling… at first.

But then, sadly, a few things started happening that began to taint that initial excitement.

1. It was beginning to feel like work to create an engaging, interesting space. I didn’t need more work – I was already up to my eyeballs in work. I needed pleasure and recreation, not strategy, marketing, and planning. Not that there’s anything intrinsically wrong with those things, it’s just that I’ve already got plenty of that stuff in my day job.

2. I began to miss my old blog and my old friends because I had little time to spend with them anymore. At the new place, I felt like I was trying too hard to attract “readers” rather than “friends” and what I really needed was friends.

3. Before I knew it, partly because I’d had so many discouragements at work and was feeling vulnerable, I began to let myself wrap my self-worth in the numbers game. When the numbers dropped (and, sadly, the highest stats were on my very first day – I never went back up to that number), I wondered why I wasn’t as interesting as the other blogs that were drawing big numbers.

4. I was pouring too much energy into this new entity (and Twitter), and other things in my life were suffering – my family, my day job, my home, and the freelance writing and workshops I used to do occasionally (and get paid for now and then).

5. In my efforts to follow this “dream”, I was reading way too many “10 easy steps to making a living as a blogger” or “10 easy steps to a more fulfilled, successful YOU!” and though some of them inspired me at first, in the end, they mostly depressed me. Self help stuff has a way of doing that to me. I can only take it in small doses.

6. Partly because of the self help “follow your dream” stuff, I was allowing myself to paint a more bleak picture of my day job than was fair. It’s a job I was once quite passionate about, and though there have been some rough spots, it didn’t deserve to be pushed into a corner and ignored so much. I’m working for justice for people who are hungry, after all. For various reasons, I need to stay in this job for the time being, so I just HAVE to find a way of committing myself to it, or I’m cheating the people I serve. (Ironically, I had to give myself the same talking to I once gave a staff member when she’d developed a bad attitude.)

So, after a few tears shed on top of my growing pile of laundry, I just quit. Cold turkey. I walked away from all of my online spaces. I re-engaged in real life. I read more books, I poured more energy into my job, and I tried to be more present for my family. I refused to care if I was committing “blog suicide” or “Twitter suicide” by my walking away, I just knew that silence was what I needed for awhile.

Yes I missed it, and many times I caught myself thinking “oh – that would make a great blog post”, but overall, it’s been such a good thing to take a break and focus on my priorities. Even though I still eventually want to make a career change, my job is giving me pleasure and passion again. I have some fun things to look forward to (a couple of workshops to facilitate), I’ve had some really wonderful lunch conversations with friends, I’m worrying less about other people’s opinion of me, and more than anything, I’ve found some contentment again.

I’m ready to gradually re-insert myself into cyberspace, but it will be a scaled back version, at least for now. I’ll be setting aside the new site, and just being content with my little unassuming blog in my corner of cyberspace where I can play to my heart’s content, show off my kids, wrestle with a few demons now and then, dance in the rain if it feels right, share fun stories about the wonderful adventures I get to go on from time to time, and just be the authentic me that I feel like putting out into cyberspace whenever I feel like it.

I’ll leave the big blogs, the marketing strategies, the SEOs, the self-promotion, the strategic networking, and the numbers games to someone else.

A time for silence

2009-10-14T10:42:00.003-05:00

For reasons I can't fully explain (not even to myself), I have decided that it's time for a little self-imposed online silence. I need to focus on a few other things right now, and I need to spend some time just being quiet and not caught up in the clutter that is the internet.

At this point, I don't know how long it will be, but I know that I will miss all of you so I expect that I will be back sooner or later.

(I'll still be checking email - those who wish to contact me are welcome to do so.)

"To everything there is a season
And a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and time to hate;
A time for war, and a time for peace."
- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Making the best of it

2009-10-10T11:52:00.004-05:00

Maddie dragged me outside this morning to "enjoy" the snow. I was bound and determined NOT to enjoy it, but her pleasure was rather infectious and soon I was smiling too.

How to make me happy (or how you've already made me happy)

2009-10-09T10:00:00.002-05:00

1. If you live on the route where my daughters (and I) deliver flyers, PLEASE make sure your house number and mailbox are visible from the street. Come to think of it, do it anyway – even if you don’t live on our route. You’ll make some delivery person’s life a whole lot easier.

2. If you’re my dishwasher – smarten up already! We just fixed you in Spring – you don’t get to konk out twice in a year!

3. If you’re applying for a job and want to work for me, PLEASE don’t use fancy phrases on your cover letter to try to make yourself look smart. It almost always backfires and you look stupid. And because I can be a little mean sometimes (especially when I have to go through 100+ resumes for 3 jobs) I might just read your show-off sentence to somebody else in the office just for a chuckle. You don’t really want that, do you?

4. If you’re my friend – call, email, comment, whatever. I’ve been in a bit of a funk and feel a little lonely and dejected this week. Just sayin’.

5. If you’re one of the people who has been creating challenges for me lately – just stop it already! Trust me - kindness is WAY more fun than vindictiveness or passive aggression. I'll try it if you'll try it.

6. If you’re one of the people using a jack-hammer on the street – thank you for doing a necessary job so that those of us who are sensitive to excessive noise and vibration don’t have to do it.

7. If you’re the person who phoned me out of the blue just because I’ve been on your mind lately and you wanted to make sure I wasn't too stressed out – you are awesome! You can’t possibly know how much that phone call (and similar ones you’ve made in the past, ‘cause you’re classy that way) meant to me.

8. If you’re the person on our flyer route that only sort-of knows me but has been to my house for a certain launch party – thank for that little exchange on the street! It was lovely and it made me think I should just happen to pass your house more often when you’re outside! Maybe my kids could babysit your kids and we can go paint the town red together!

9. If you’re the guys who replaced our furnace yesterday – thank you for being some of the easiest, most pleasant contractors I’ve had to deal with to date.

10. If you’re the person on our flyer route who has such amazing wood carvings on your lawn (including that incredible totem pole) and what looks like a magical studio in the back of your garage, can you just happen to be outside one day when I’m passing with my wagon full of flyers? I'm pretty sure you're an interesting person and I’m curious to meet you.

11. If you’re my sister who is hosting BOTH families for Thanksgiving meals this weekend, you’re my hero. I wish I could be HALF the hostess you are.

12. If you’re my recently-hired assistant who bought me flowers out of the blue last week – you rock! You just set a new standard for “awesome ways to treat your boss”.

13. If you’re one of those gremlins in my head trying to tell me I’m failing, I’m not as interesting as other people, I shouldn’t bother trying – JUST SHUT UP ALREADY! You’re nasty and you don’t deserve such a comfy place in my head.

14. If you’re my oldest daughter – patience, my child. It will heal, I’m sure of it. And one day you’ll be running again.

15. If you’re my motivation – PLEASE show up already! I have work to do and you’re not helping.

16. If you're reading this, go out and make somebody happy today even if it's not me.

Where I'm at

2009-10-05T11:35:00.002-05:00

I am still here, though I seem to be mostly silent on this blog these days. There are only so many hours in a day, and it seems that most of those hours get eaten up pretty quickly with laundry, grocery shopping, going to (and worrying about) work, driving kids to soccer games and art classes and play dates, helping my oldest 2 daughters deliver flyers so that they can afford cell phones and funky shoes that their parents won’t buy, trying to catch up on sleep, and once in awhile managing to eek out an interesting post over here.

Mostly I’m okay with the hub-bub of life, but these days, I just feel so very, very weary. Today especially, after spending too many hours on my feet this past weekend delivering flyers, catching up on grocery shopping in the mega-grocery-store-that-has-everything-but-requires-hours-of-pushing-a-cart-through-crowded-aisles, and then a rousing game of soccer in which Julie’s team played (and were beat by) their parents, I am feeling every one of the 43 years of this body’s age. My gosh – we just don’t spring back like we used to, do we?

I’m not quite sure what to report today. I’ve started to write this post a few times, but instead of the upbeat list of fun things going on in my life, my writing very quickly seems to spiral into a vortex of fears, challenges, complaints, and stresses that I’m dealing with at my day job these days. I can’t go there, for obvious reasons, so maybe I’ll just say this… I am burnt out. I need a break. I need to not be anybody’s boss for awhile.

Part of me desperately wants to “leap and trust that the net will appear” – just hand in my notice (I have to give 3 months, since I’m a director and it’s in my contract) and hope and pray that within 3 months (or probably longer as there are things going on I feel somewhat obligated to wrap up) I’ll be able to build enough of a freelance/consulting business to sustain our family. But there’s that practical side of me that wants to cry every time I go grocery shopping or the girls come home with yet another soccer fee, band fee, lunch fee, worn out sneakers… you name it.

(If you’re worried that I’m taking a risk by putting this on my blog, let me allay your fears by telling you that I’ve already warned my boss that I don’t intend to be in this position a year from now. It’s not really a secret that I have other ambitions and that I’m burnt out.)

If you are given to prayer, feel free to join those who have already wrapped their prayers around me and my family. I need some clarity, I need some focus, and I need a way out of this place I’m in. Mostly, I need to know whether I am wise or foolish to follow my passion into the land of the self-employed. (And if you're in the position to offer me contracts for writing/public speaking/workshop facilitation/communications planning, or offer my husband a teaching job, we could sure use that too!)

It seems to me that handing in my notice and making the leap would be the perfect way to wrap up this year of living more fearlessly. What do you think?

The end of the journey

2009-09-29T08:56:00.005-05:00

I'm in Toronto at my favourite Bed and Breakfast. I have one more lunch meeting today, and then I fly home this afternoon. It's been a long and full (and so many other adjectives - all of them good) journey, and I'm looking forward to being home with my dear family.

I'll be loading more pictures on Flickr eventually, but for now, here's a little taste of the many places I've wandered this week. (In no particular order.) These are just the "places" pics, the "people" pics will come later when I have more time to share the stories that go with them.

For a little more on the transformative impact of the trip, go here.

Perfecting the art of doing nothing!

2009-09-25T18:08:00.004-05:00

I'm in Cleveland! If this trip were to end right now, it would already be worth the trip. (And the best part hasn't even begun yet!) It has been truly wonderful. The train ride was sublime (you meet the most amazing people on a train), wandering around Chicago was delightful, meeting Connie and Sandy and Christine was everything I dreamed of and more, meandering along the shoreline of Cleveland was magical, and relaxing in the hotel room has been rejuvenating.

It's been perfect timing, because Jamie Ridler's book club "The Next Chapter" is studying "The Joy Diet" and the first chapter is about adding a little more of "nothing" into our lives. I've added it in big doses in the last few days. Sitting and staring out the train window, wandering aimlessly down the streets of 2 new cities... it's all been a lot of joyful "nothing", but EVERYTHING at the same time.

I know it will be whole lot harder to find 15 minute snippets in my day-to-day life to continue the practice of doing nothing, but for now, I'm certainly enjoying what I've got. One day at a time.

There are a whole lot more photos to come (Millennium Park is amazing at dusk), but this seemed like a suitable "nothing" shot.

Stories, photos... you name it

2009-09-21T21:07:00.004-05:00

I got tagged by my dear friend Sandy (with whom I get to hang out in Cleveland in just a few days! Yay!) with this photo tag meme.

1. Open your first photo folder.
2. Scroll to the 10th photo.
3. Post the photo on your blog and tell the story behind it.
4. Tag some CREATIVE JUICY people to do the same!

Luckily, the first photo folder on this particular computer holds my Ethiopia photos. It's not a terribly inspiring photo, but at least it's from an interesting place. I'd just arrived at the Ghion Hotel in Addis Ababa, the capital city of Ethiopia. I was suffering from major jet lag, but I was SO EXCITED I just had to start snapping pictures. My hotel room had a small patio out the back which I took full advantage of - sitting for hours reading, writing postcards, and processing all that I'd witnessed.

I arrived in Ethiopia 3 days before any of my companions did. I was bringing a film crew into the country to film some of our agriculture programs, but before they could enter, I needed to obtain the necessary film permits and government blessing (which required a whole lot of leaping through hoops, sweet-talking, and... well, it's too complicated to tell you the whole story). In between multiple visits to the appropriate government offices, I wandered the streets of Addis Ababa (and that's an adventure, I tell you!), and did a lot of de-compressing on the very spot on my patio that this photo was taken.

One thing you should know about Ethiopia that you probably never heard from anyone else - it is a STUNNINGLY beautiful country! Set aside all the images that come to mind when you think of Ethiopia (you know the ones - people dying of famine) and imagine a place where you begin your day of driving with vistas that rival the Rocky Mountains, in the afternoon you drive through the desert, and in the evening you pass through the Grand Canyon. In between, you reach the top of a plateau that is so surreal in it's odd apocalyptic beauty that there are no words to describe it. Your jaw gets tired by the end of the day because it has dropped so many times. A few of my other photos are here.

And now it's time to tag someone else. Hmmm... let's see...I'll go with
1. Michele
2. Anvilcloud

On an unrelated note, those of you who were present at my launch party for my new website (and maybe even those of you who weren't) might enjoy the guest post I wrote about it over at this blog.

On giving and receiving

2009-09-21T12:32:00.002-05:00

My lovely friend Michele is my guest today over at "What are you giving away". She's got a great post about whether in sharing our gifts we are actually receiving more than we're giving. Check it out!

I'm looking for other guest posts, so please consider submitting one!

Random bits and pieces

2009-09-20T14:36:00.005-05:00

1. I just made chicken noodle soup. I make a lot of soup, but I think that's the first time for chicken noodle. Frankly, it was a little intimidating and felt like I was walking on sacred ground. My grandmother made THE. BEST. CHICKEN. NOODLE. SOUP. BAR. NONE. Oh you may THINK you've tasted good chicken noodle soup, but until you've sampled the soup made with farm-grown chickens and fresh homemade noodles made by the loving hands of a Mennonite grandmother, you don't know chicken noodle soup. Mine tasted quite good and the family was pleased with it, but it's a pale shadow of what remains sacred in my memory.

2. Nicole's been getting a little bored, sitting around letting her leg heal, so last night she had a bit of a party, inviting 4 of her closest friends over. We went out for awhile and when we walked in, the house was filled with laughter. I love that. I think if I were to write a mission statement for how I want my home to be, "filled with laughter" would be up at the top of the list.

3. Some of the keys on this computer are sticking. If a word happens to be missing an "n", blame the keyboard.

4. Later this week, I'm going on an adventure and I am so excited! It involves a 24 hour train ride (lots of time for reading, writing, and daydreaming) a couple of days in Cleveland with some very cool people, a day spent at this amazing workshop, a couple of business-related days in Toronto where I'll stay at my favourite B&B, dinner with one friend in Toronto, and then lunch with another. Is that fun or what?

5. Is this not the most spectacular September you have ever seen? It almost makes up for the crappy weather we suffered through all summer.

6. N&J signed up for a flyer route, and wouldn't you know it, they got the call the week Nikki had knee surgery. So of course, Mom got recruited to walk and walk and walk for two hours - on the hottest day we've had all year. Two hours of walking and we didn't think to bring a water bottle. Ugh. But the fun part? You get to check out a lot of houses - I didn't know we had such a cool neighbourhood!

7. Last weekend, Marcel and I took Maddy and Abby (our niece) fishing. What a delightful day we had! Within minutes of our arrival, both girls had caught their first fish. Maddy's a fishing veteran by now, but it was the first experience for Abby and let me tell you, that girl knows how to show delight!

Nicole

2009-09-15T09:18:00.003-05:00

She's thirteen. She's beautiful. (Aren't ya diggin' the blonde highlights, compliments of her mom?) And she's going for knee surgery today.
My athletic daughter tore her ACL (ligament) in her knee playing soccer and now she has to have it repaired. Considering she was quite a worrier as a child, she is amazingly relaxed this morning. And...wow - I wish I had her determination and drive! Our physiotherapist friend taught her an exercise routine to do for pre-hab (so she'd heal faster) and she has been faithfully going to the YMCA to work out, often running up to 4 miles on a damaged knee. She is SO determined that soon she'll be back to playing soccer, and volleyball, and basketball, and... well, you get the picture. I marvel at her dedication/focus and look forward to watching where it takes her in the future.

Feel free to send up prayers on her behalf. I expect there will be some impatience in the weeks to come when she's unable to do the things she loves most.

Update: She is home and in good spirits. The nurses were rather impressed with how athletic/strong/resilient she is and so they sent her home early (tonight instead of tomorrow morning). The pain is manageable and we hope and pray for a speedy recovery so that she can return to the sports that she so loves.

Cookies, unemployment, and health care

2009-09-10T21:00:00.004-05:00

I'll admit it - I'm seriously in the dark when it comes to understanding the recession and I'm even MORE in the dark about the debate around public health care in the U.S. Being a Canadian who has enjoyed easy access to public health care all my life, and never having had to worry about whether we could pay the medical bills (even when finances are tight), I am completely puzzled with how much fear and objection there is to what's being proposed in the U.S. Sure our system's not PERFECT, but at least I didn't have to re-mortgage the house when I ended up in the hospital for three weeks before finally giving birth to our stillborn son Matthew.

For the most part, I can simply ignore the news stories around some of these issues, because it barely touches my life. But when I read stories like this one on a blog I've been frequenting lately (written by a Twitter friend), suddenly the stories begin to feel a little closer to home. It just doesn't make any sense how a wealthy country could deny its own people access to equitable health care.

There's nothing I can do about fixing the system, but there is one small thing I CAN do for a family that's struggling to survive in the face of huge obstacles. I can buy cookies!

I grew up with some of those similar challenges (with incredible parents who struggled to stay afloat financially), so I know what kind of toll poverty can take on a family. When I saw that this family was selling cookies to try to pay the bills, I did the only thing I could - I ORDERED COOKIES! And it turns out that Priority Post delivers cookies across international borders!

You can do it too... order cookies! I barely got a chance to sample the ones that showed up in my house, because my three daughters devoured them like ravenous dogs (you'd think we didn't feed them! yeesh!), but the crumbs they left at the bottom of the box sure tasted yummy.

Just to tempt you further, here's a bonus picture of a Tootsie Roll eating a cookie! (Tootsie Roll costume not included with your order. You'd have to pay me BIG bucks to make another one of THOSE.)

School's back in session!

2009-09-10T08:17:00.001-05:00

In with a whimper, out with a bang

2009-09-08T19:00:00.004-05:00

In years to come, we'll probably refer to the summer of 2009 as the "summer that wasn't". I don't remember when we've had so much disappointing weather. Mostly cool and rainy... followed by more cool and rainy. I think I wore shorts twice, and when I went shopping for clothes in the middle of the summer, I bought cardigan sweaters instead of cute little summer outfits.

But... at least it finished well! Gotta look on the bright side, I suppose. We just finished a perfectly lovely long weekend and we managed to celebrate the sun and warmth in almost every way we could. We went for bike rides, we took an artists' studio tour of the interlake region north of our fair city, we went to the beach (as did thousands upon thousands of other starved-for-summer folks - oh my - the crowds!), we ate ice cream, we went for more bike rides, we went for drinks on a patio with friends, we went for walks - we did it all. Basically, we tried to live a whole summer in one weekend and, short of sitting by a campfire, we almost did.
At least now we'll be a little more prepared when Fall starts knocking at our door.

What do you wish to begin?

2009-09-02T12:35:00.002-05:00

When I read Jamie’s prompt for Wishcasting Wednesday (what do you wish to begin), I thought… oh my! That’s an easy one! There are so many things I want to begin!

The truth is, I’m a little addicted to change. I get restless if things stay static too long. I need something new in my life on a regular basis – a new adventure, a new job, a new project, a new creative art form to sink my teeth into, a new friendship – or I get bored and restless and a little bit ornery. (Just ask my husband about the look on my face when I get that “new project energy”.) That doesn’t mean I can’t stick with things (I’ve been married 16 years and a mom for 13 and don’t need to change either of those things!), it just means I need a few changes on a regular basis to balance the things that stay the same.

I come by it honestly – my mom lived on the same farm for 30 years, but she desperately needed SOMETHING to change, so she re-arranged the furniture nearly every week. We never knew for sure where the couch was going to be. Now that she’s off the farm, it’s not the furniture that’s moving, it’s HER. She’s barely in the same location 2 weeks in a row. It’s not unusual for her to call me from Wisconsin when I didn’t even know she’d left town.

But let’s get back to me… when I hear the word “beginnings”, I get a little giddy. The problem is, I get so excited about new stuff that I don’t always have enough focus to concentrate on one thing at a time. Right now, for example, I’m contemplating about a half dozen courses or workshops I’d like to take this Fall, but chances are I’ll get so flustered with trying to make the choice that I’ll suddenly realize that it’s a week too late to register for any of them.

So it’s time to focus my beginnings. This week, I want to begin (or at least register for) the following:
1. An art course of some kind. I think I’ve picked the one I want, now I just have to get around to registering.
2. Some way of learning more about the practical side of building my own consulting/writing business. I haven’t figured out exactly where I’ll start, but it could be a book, an e-course, or a local workshop. (Any suggestions?)
3. Find some serious focus time on how to move www.whatareyougivingaway.com from a lovely community space to something that generates an income for me. I know what I want to do – now I just have to spend time getting it done!

That’s more than enough for now. All the rest can wait!

p.s. Check out my guest this week at www.whatareyougivingaway.com. Some of you will know him!

Because it calls me

2009-08-25T20:53:00.005-05:00

If I can, I try to make a pilgrimage to my dad's grave about once a year or so. (You can see a video of last year's pilgrimage here.) For the past month, I've been feeling a real longing to make the trek across the prairie, so I did it yesterday.Those of you who knew him will understand why I could only bring a raucous bouquet of wild flowers in a re-purposed bottle - Dad would have it no other way.

To read a little more about the journey I took, you can read about it at my other site.

As a bonus shot, here's a sunflower field I just couldn't resist photographing along the way. Did you know that, even on an overcast day like yesterday, the sunflowers still turn their faces toward the sun? Wish I could remember to do the same.

A good, good day

2009-08-23T22:14:00.005-05:00

This week certainly had its emotional ups and downs, but thankfully it ended on an "up" (in more ways than one). Today was a really good day. I spoke in church and, the truth is, though it's a lot of work and usually comes with some stress, I really do enjoy doing public speaking.

After church, because we were the only ones around and I wasn't in the mood to cook, Maddy and I went on a little lunch date.

And then after lunch, we had to head out to the other end of the city to watch soccer. Julie's team made it into the championship game for the tournament they were in, and they WON in a dramatic, exciting game (against a strong team that beat them 3-0 just the day before).

In the evening, because it was one of the most beautiful days we've had all summer, Marcel and I headed to the Forks with my sister and his brother (who happen to be married to each other) to enjoy drinks on a patio while our children all hung out together at their house.

Add all of that fun to some of the really wonderful, vulnerable, refreshing conversations I've been having with some people (in person and online) and it all ended up being quite a fulfilling, inspiring week after all was said and done. No, not all of the issues from my last post have been worked out, but a different perspective certainly is a good thing.

I'm trying, okay?

2009-08-19T11:13:00.001-05:00

Some days you win, other days the most you can hope to do is try. Today, trying will have to be enough.

I’m trying…
- To not let this seriously disappointing weather get me down.
- To forgive myself for not getting much exercise while my bike sits in the garage on these wet miserable mornings.
- To have enough energy to be a good (or at least “present”) mom and wife.
- To remember that sometimes the timing isn’t right and the best thing to do is wait.
- To understand the strange dream that seemed to be trying to tell me something the other night.
- To not let this dark cloud evolve into a full-fledged depression.
- To not be jealous of all the people who are getting together for fun, creative, refreshing retreats, workshops, etc.
- To put some energy into the things I used to be passionate about (at least those things that are important at my day job).
- To not get too discouraged about some of the challenges I have at work.
- To find some time for the creative things that give me energy, like painting, writing, photography, working on my new site/business.
- To believe that some day I will have more time for the creative things that give me energy.
- To not fall into the trap of believing numbers of visitors/comments = amount of value.
- To be grateful for the compassion and understanding of friends and family.

The other day (a particularly discouraging day for a variety of reasons), I visited my son’s grave and as I stood at the grave, I made a commitment to his memory that I would continue to follow my calling despite the many things that feel discouraging right now. For you, Matthew, I will carry on.

What's left of summer

2009-08-15T08:49:00.005-05:00

In some respects it's been an amazing summer (creating my studio, launching my website, going on a road trip with my family), but in other ways it's been sadly disappointing (not enough beach days, way too much crappy weather). Either way, it is slipping away WAY too quickly.

There are still a few things I want to get out of this summer:
1. Visit my dad's grave again. (It's a 2 hour drive - not exactly something I can do on a whim.)
2. Sit around a campfire with people I enjoy at least one more time.
3. Go on a few more bike rides with my family.
4. Have more drinks on a patio with some interesting friends who make me laugh.
5. Wandering. Lots more wandering. Preferably with a camera in my hands.

That's about it. I think it's a pretty good sign that I'm feeling quite content if my list is that short. Now if only it would stop raining so I could do all of these things!

What doors do you wish to open?

2009-08-12T14:22:00.003-05:00

I’m feeling a little vulnerable today – a little over-tired from tossing and turning (and not enough sleeping) last night, and a little discouraged about not being able to move into the next phase of my life as quickly as I’d like to (yes, I’m back at work and the stack of papers in my in-box just doesn't have the same ability to excite my passions that it once did) – so when I first saw Jamie Ridler’s question for wishcasting Wednesday, I closed the link and tried to ignore it. “I’m just going to have to be satisfied with closed doors for now,” I thought.

But the truth is, I’m not satisfied. True to my nature, I want to rush headlong into the next adventure and I don’t want to WAIT. ANY. MORE! The door that flung itself open when the idea for my new site plopped into my lap is calling me to run through it with wild abandon… but I’m still stuck at the doorway. I can only go part way through the door until… well, until various things align and the timing is right for me to take the next big bold step.

I am not a patient person. I want stuff and I want it NOW! I know, I know… I have preached the value of waiting and being still and surrendering to the timing of the “god of my understanding”, BUT… (stomps her foot on the floor like a 3 year old) I don’t WANNA wait!

Sigh. Deep breath. Here I am, though, trying to make the best of it. In the meantime, while I only have a minimal amount of time to work on my big dream, I’m going to keep hoping, and dreaming, and planning, and throwing little fish hooks into the big blue ocean hoping to score a keeper. (Mixing metaphors again - I know, I KNOW!)

And when it comes to open doors, I’ve got a whole “mondo beyondo” list of things I’d like to see happen in the coming year (or so):
- Talk on the radio some more. Loved it! And maybe TV too.
- Speak at some conferences, retreats, etc. about “What are you giving away”
- Start doing “Giveaway parties” and have the idea catch fire
- Host a workshop and/or retreat (or two or three...)
- Write regular articles for a magazine – maybe a column?

And a couple of REALLY big ones:
- Get a book contract and an agent and some time to write the book version of “What are you giving away”
- Go to Africa again and gather some stories of people epitomizing the philosophy of “What are you giving away”

I could go on, but that’s definitely enough honesty for now. It feels a little scary to admit these things, but – what the heck? If you don’t put stuff out there, how can people support your dreams?

Note: It's been a little quiet in here lately. Ever since I launched the new site, comments have all but dried up. I appreciate all the support over at the new space, but (for now anyway) this will continue to be where I do more personal blogging, so please continue to leave some comment love here too!

End of the week - a wrap up

2009-08-09T21:35:00.003-05:00

Just a few random things as the week draws to a close (or the next week opens, depending on where you place Sunday).

- It's been a lovely, happy week, full of excitement over the new site, partying with friends, and relaxing vacation time with the family.
- I go back to work tomorrow. Vacation is over too soon. Sigh.
- Marcel and I just got back from a brief time away. We celebrated our 16th anniversary at a lakeside hotel with a glorious view of Lake of the Woods (in Kenora). The weather was disappointing (and resulted in the cancellation of our planned dinner cruise), but it was still SO nice to get away with my best friend and lover for a couple of days.
- I really enjoyed being on the radio yesterday. It may sound narcissistic, but the truth is, I really get energy from public speaking, media interviews, etc. I hope to do more of that in connection with my new site.
- I feel very blessed by the encouragement I've received this week. I think the new site is touching people in the right way, and that makes me very, very happy.
- Just now, Maddy was working on a craft project on the floor by my feet, and she said "Why don't they make scissors for the feet so the hands don't have to do all the work?"
- My mom comes home from Europe this week. I haven't seen her in over 3 months.
- The girls and I went to see Julie and Julia and I LOVED IT! There was so much good about it - great character development, great portrayal of the struggles of 2 women trying to believe in themselves, and one of my favourite things - two really lovely supportive marriages that seem altogether too rare in Hollywood's depiction of marriage.
- I'm going to really, really miss my mornings in my studio.
- I have to go to bed now. Good night.

Radio interview

2009-08-08T09:07:00.003-05:00

In case you're interested, you can hear me talking about my new website this morning (Saturday) at 10:30 a.m. CST, or you can catch the podcast later. www.fm1071.com/getreal

I'm the "Get Real Girl" of the week, otherwise known as the "Giveaway Goddess". Blush.

Sharing stories

2009-08-07T09:44:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was incredible. It was just what I dreamed of for the launch of my new site and more. In the morning I wrote a list of things I wanted to get out of the day, and when I checked the list, I realized that every one of those wishes had been fulfilled. And some of them were pretty big wishes – like wanting to be invited to write or speak about my site somewhere soon (I’ll be on the radio in Minneapolis on Saturday morning!). It’s all so exciting and humbling.

The launch party was truly amazing. Not as many people showed up as I’d hoped (a number of people canceled at the last minute), but in the end I think it was probably just the right number for what ended up transpiring.

During part of the evening, we had a sharing circle in which I passed around a talking stick (which is actually the leadership stick I picked up in Kenya) and people were asked to share something about their emerging gifts, their struggles with sharing those gifts, or whatever was on their minds. Well, I was really blown away with what emerged. I didn’t know how it would go, because most of the women in the room were strangers to each other, but each woman approached the conversation with openness, honesty, and vulnerability and every one of them shared some piece of wisdom that I will carry with me and reflect on again and again.

This morning, I wrote some notes about the conversation because I want to remember it for a long, long time (and, as a result, I will be writing something about story-sharing for the new site). After writing down a bit of what each person shared, I sat back in my chair feeling rather tingly with excitement. I am SO honoured that these incredible women trusted the rest of us enough to share the gift of their personal story.

Then I opened my email and found my first submission for the “reflect” section of the new site (thanks Andrea!) and once again, I was blown away by the honesty and vulnerability that was shared.

I’m feeling so lucky that, in the hosting of my new site, I will be the recipient of many personal stories. What incredible gifts they are!

New site launched! C'mon over and say hello!

2009-08-05T23:23:00.003-05:00

It's official - the new site is up and running! I am SO excited!

Please, please go on over and visit (and bookmark it for future visits!) and be sure to leave a friendly comment. This site is like a new baby for me, and you KNOW that if you'd visit me after having a baby you'd pat it on the head and say what a pretty baby it is whether or not you meant it. (There's an art giveaway, so if you comment, you could win!)

Remember that insecure mom-energy that comes when you're really excited but freaked out about having to bring home a brand new baby and you really don't know if you'll remember to feed it at the right time, or know when to change its diaper, and you're pretty sure you'll end up dropping it on its head one day? Yeah, that's a bit how I feel today.

I'm thrilled and I really feel like this is what I've been preparing for all these years, but at the same time I worry whether I'll have the time or skills to really do this dream justice. In the end, though, I'm willing to give it my best shot, and the rest is up to the giver of all good dreams.

Remember my commitment to fearlessness? Well, I feel like I've just jumped out of that plane again!

One step closer

2009-08-04T07:51:00.003-05:00

It's official... I'm launching my new site on Thursday! (Keeping my fingers crossed that there are no snags, now that I've said it out loud.)

I am so excited! (And a little bit nervous.) This feels like the coming together of so many dreams, so much of my own giftedness, and so many of the ideas, values, and bits of wisdom I've picked up over the years.

It's been an incredible couple of weeks preparing for this. My creative juices have been working overtime in my lovely little studio. (Sometimes even late at night when I've woken up with a great idea.) I've spent every morning here and it's been so much fun, that I haven't minded sacrificing my normal sleeping-in routine of holidays. I've connected with some amazing people, I've gotten several beautiful pieces of art to surround me with inspiration, and I have felt so loved and encouraged every step of the way. It's gone so well, in fact, that those little internal gremlins that like to cast shadows on hope have been warning me that I should be prepared for "the other shoe to fall". Perhaps failure really IS lurking just around the corner, but for now I'm going to believe that only success lies ahead for this little labour of love.

In celebration of the big launch, I've decided to throw a party, despite the fact that my house is in a sad state of disrepair and messiness. I'm just going to believe that anyone who believes in my little dream enough to come celebrate with me won't be looking into the corners for dust mites or cobwebs (or broken toys, or last week's laundry, or the camping equipment that hasn't been put away yet, or... the list goes on and on).

If you happen to live close enough to my house (in Winnipeg, Manitoba) and want to come to the party, I'd be delighted to have you here. Leave a comment with your contact info and I'll send you an invitation. (Sorry guys, this one's for women only.)

One last thing... I just feel like I should say a great big THANK YOU to you my faithful blog readers. You have all been such a source of encouragement and support to me that you've helped me believe that I really can do this.

Who knew - when I started this fearless journey at the beginning of the year - that I would end up here? Be careful what you wish for!

Dreams taking flight (and other thoughts)

2009-08-02T12:18:00.010-05:00

My friend Yvonne, a gifted textile artist, handed me the piece of art you see below and said "I made this for your studio". I think my jaw dropped open. It is so beautiful and SO perfect! And it just makes me feel so loved and encouraged! (Just like all the other pieces I've received.)

As I sat there staring it, I thought "it looks like my dreams taking flight". A moment later, Yvonne said "it's called 'dreams taking flight' and I thought it was perfect for what you're working on." Oh yes, it's perfect! The photo doesn't really do it justice. Yvonne hand-died all of the colourful bits of fabric. She truly is amazing and should be doing this for a living, don't you think?

*******
Remember the generous stranger who poured coffee on my Wreck this Journal, at the encouragement of my friend Jo-Anne? Well... this is a delightful story... she left a comment on my blog! Turns out she's a friend of my cousin Bev who's been following me on Twitter and came across the video. She says she loved being part of it! (I'm so glad she's not annoyed with me for posting the video of her online!) Now I want to meet her again to thank her - I had a feeling when she joined the fun that she was a kindred spirit.

*******
My decoupaged desk looks lovely! I'm quite fond of it and I've started to cast my eye on other flat surfaces in the house that might be decoupage-worthy. Marcel asked me to paint a dresser for him this week, and he gave me that suspicious look when I said "don't you think plain white is a little boring?"

*******
Things are going remarkably well for my new website. If all goes as planned, I think I'll be ready to launch it on Thursday. I've always had it in my mind that I'd launch by September, but since I'm ahead of schedule, I thought it would be fun to launch it while I'm still on vacation.

I'm so excited about the launch that I'm contemplating throwing a big party for all of the locally-based friends, family, and blog-readers that might be interested on Thursday night. The only problem is that I've concentrated so much of my energy on the creative stuff, that I'm not sure I can get my house looking presentable enough for a party. Stay tuned if you live close by - I'll keep you posted.

*******
When I emerged from my studio one morning last night, I found the girls and Marcel all outside tearing the badly neglected, rotting deck apart. There's something about seeing my girls with work gloves on, with hammers and power tools in hand, that just makes me smile.

*******

And speaking of my girls, they all have some colourful, funky new footwear for back to school.

*******
And I leave you with this picture, taken this morning on a lovely photo walk by the river.

(There really is no way to properly line photos up with words on blogger!)

And the winner is...

2009-07-31T14:42:00.000-05:00

A sad ending but a happy beginning - the Wreck this Journal finale

2009-07-30T10:55:00.005-05:00

This is my fourth morning wrapped in the loving arms of my creative sanctuary. Aaaaahhhhh! This is so much fun, I'm dreaming of quitting my job and figuring out how to make a living doing what I love right here in this studio. This morning I wrote a "how I can quit my job and still have food on the table" list, and I'm pretty sure I can do this within the next year.

Part of the fun in my studio yesterday morning involved the final "chapter" of the Wreck this Journal saga - a saga that has been very closely aligned with the creating of my studio, and the dreaming and building of my new website (it's happening people!). For this particular wrecking, I decided to explore the intersection between creativity and destruction, while I figured out a way to commemorate and immortalize the Journal as a symbol (and as a companion) of my creative journey.

Check out what I created with my wreckage! And if you stick around right to the bitter end, you'll catch a glimpse of the "history of the artist as a young woman". I'm won't tell you everything, but it involves something about paper dolls and horses...

Here are some links to some earlier wreckage...
The beginning (including the pictures of hiding a page in the wall)
Wrecking with the kids (includes bicycles, swings, and a Slurpee machine)
Wrecking with a friend (and a generous stranger)
Wrecking graveside (visiting my son's burial place)

Five hours

2009-07-27T11:28:00.005-05:00

It's amazing what you can accomplish in 5 hours. I've just had the gift of five hours of creative time in my studio. Thanks to my supportive husband and (mostly) understanding kids, I'm trying to carve out 5 hours every morning of the next 2 weeks (before I go back to work) for studio time.

This morning was the first installment and OH MY what a delight! I managed to finish a painting that will be the banner for my new website, do a little writing, take a few pictures, and just get lost in my imagination. Even though it meant getting up at 7:00 a.m. on my holidays, it was SO worth it!

Things are starting to fall together for the fulfillment of my big dream and I'm as giddy as Maddy was when she saw all the friendly comments about her art giveaway. (That girl knows how to BOUNCE!) I can almost taste it, and oh, it tastes good! Yes, the practical truth is that I have to go back to work in a couple of weeks, but that's not stopping me from dreaming about the day (I'm hoping it's by next summer), that I'll have managed to create a big enough space to hold my dreams AND provide enough income that makes quitting my job not too much of a hardship for my family.

It's going to be hard to pull myself out of my studio in 20 minutes (I told my family I'd emerge by noon), but I will be able to do it feeling refreshed and happy.

And speaking of my studio... another package arrived in the mail today - this time from the lovely, talented, incredibly encouraging, big dreamin' rockstar, Jamie Ridler. It's my very own little Jamie-created dreamboard! I think I will get lost in the dreaminess of it - especially the picture at the top that she says is "my book". (Yes, a book is in the works as well as the website!)

Here's Jamie's contribution. Thank you Jamie!
If you're curious about why I'm getting lovely art packages in the mail, you can read about it here. And you can see some of the other pieces here. And if you want to get in on the action, leave a comment or send me an email and I'll send you my mailing address.

Maddy's turn

2009-07-26T19:24:00.004-05:00

Maddy loves to paint. Once, when she was painting, I said "maybe you'll be an artist when you grow up". She looked at me in that long-suffering way and said "of COURSE I'll be an artist when I grow up. I already am!" If you ask her what kind of art she prefers, she says "modern art."

She's having a hard time resisting the urge to take over my studio. It almost kills her when I insist on having a little mommy time alone in here. I manage to appease her now and then by letting her come in and create with me.

When she saw all the lovely art I was receiving from other people, her creative juices got going and she said "Mommy, we should paint something together and then give it away to someone on your blog." So that's what we've done. Here's Maddy telling you all about it...

And here's a photo Maddie took of the painting...
If you'd like it, just say so in the comments, and we'll pick a lucky winner.

(I think we have a budding blogger on our hands. She'll outpace me in no time.)

Morning in the studio - Come see my new art pieces!

2009-07-25T10:18:00.004-05:00

I'm so excited about the new art pieces that arrived in the mail while I was away! To show them off, I stretched myself a bit creatively and did something I haven't done before - I tried my hand at "vlogging" (that's video-logging, for the uninitiated).

If you're new to this blog, you might want to visit this post where I showed off my creative sanctuary and asked people to help me decorate it. There's still room for more, so if you haven't already done so, please consider sending me something.

Click on the video below and spend a little time with me in my new studio. You'll get to see the first three pieces hanging on my "inspiration from others" wall. And for a bonus, you'll see the things I splurged on while on vacation - the amazing pottery mug that called out to me from a wonderful gallery in Duluth, and the swirly silver earrings that I couldn't resist at an equally wonderful little gallery on Madeline Island. (The links aren't to the actual pieces I bought, but to the artists' pages - both worth visiting.)

(The video quality is a little poor due to poor lighting and a cheap low res camera, but hopefully you can still see enough to enjoy the tour.)

Here are the links to the lovely people who sent me art...
Sherri from Life After Web
My sister-in-law, also known as Accidental Poet
Andrea Pratt from Colouring Outside the Lines

End of vacation

2009-07-24T20:42:00.006-05:00

We are happy, healthy, and... home.

We spent the last week and a half wandering around Minnesota and Wisconsin, starting with a big soccer tournament the girls' teams were in, hanging out in a lovely hotel with a big waterpark, then camping in a few different places, visiting the zoo and the Mall of America, taking a ferry to Madeline Island in Lake Superior (one of my new favourite places - I want to go back!), and ending with a night in a hotel in Duluth.

I have lots of pictures to download and oodles of stories to reminisce about - not to mention mountains of laundry to do. But for now, I'll leave you with just a few of the many pictures we came home with.

First off, this picture stopped me in my tracks when I saw it. It surprised me just how happy and relaxed I look. It's been a little too long since I've looked in the mirror and saw that much contentment on my face. Apparently the vacation was the right kind of healing for the lines that have been deepening on my face.
This picture may not seem like much, but if you look closely, you can see by the body language and facial expressions that Marcel and the girls were having a good laugh (at the Minnesota zoo - one of the best zoos I've ever been to). I love to watch my family laugh. We did a lot of that on this trip.
And speaking of laughing, the girls were having a hoot on the air mattress at the beach on Madeline Island. I think, for the coming year, when I need to go to my "happy place" it will be that beach on Madeline Island. Pretty close to perfection.
And one last shot of the girls and I on the ferry leaving the island. Ferries have a unique ability to make me happy. There's just something about them.
If you're looking for a fun place to spend a few days with your family, and you enjoy a place with relaxed island charm (where you can play pool at the local beach club as you watch baby ducks float past the window), a lovely woodsy secluded campground (where deer wander past your site at dusk), a beautiful sandy beach with crystal clear water (and very few people cluttering it up) and you're not too far from Lake Superior, you might want to consider Madeline Island. (I have not been paid for this endorsement. Just trust me - it was a little bit of magic.) I think Marcel and I may go back some time for a little "second honeymoon", but this time we might check out the quaint little inn or one of the bed and breakfasts we saw. (And wouldn't you just love to attend an art camp here? I think I may add that to my "list of things I want to do before I die".)

Happily, I still have a couple more weeks off work, so we'll be doing more fun things a little closer to home.

******

Oh... and one more thing... it was oh so DELIGHTFUL to come home to REAL MAIL - not just bills and grocery store flyers! I got the first pieces of inspiring art for my studio! I'm so excited! I'll take pictures soon and show you what showed up. For those of you who already sent yours... thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! For those who still want to... it's never too late!

Relaxing

2009-07-23T21:16:00.001-05:00

We're having a lovely vacation. This is my first time plugged in in 5 days and I can't say I've missed it. We'll be home soon and I'll tell you all about it.

Someone hand be a soap-box, please

2009-07-17T08:11:00.003-05:00

I'm not a big fan of huge indoor shopping malls (like the one we'll visit in a few days, if the girls have their way), BUT...

These massive outdoor malls, where someone decided it was a good idea to take all the shops out of the same building, spread them over thousands of acres (of what is probably good farmland, but pfft - who cares?), wrap them around a maze of confusing streets and parking lots so that you have no choice but to use your car to get to them and through them and you end up spending an hour cursing your way to the grocery store at the very far end of the maze just to pick up some snacks for the hotel room? Ummm... seriously... WHO thought these were a good idea?

In a world where we could quite possibly run out of both arable farmland and fossil fuels in the not too distant future, could there possibly be anything LESS forward thinking?

I'm just sayin'.

What is your calling?

2009-07-15T11:56:00.003-05:00

I’ve been thinking about calling lately. A lot of things have been happening to influence this thought process, like reading amazing books, being inspired by the thoughts of others, coming to a growing realization that it may be time for a shift in my own calling, and being gifted with a powerful idea for energizing people in their personal calling.

I’ll be doing more writing about this as I prepare posts for my new website, but for now, I thought I’d write a few random thoughts that are on my mind. (And yes, I know I’m mixing metaphors all the way through, but that’s why I’m calling them “random” as opposed to “polished”.)

Here are some of the things I’ve learned about following your calling and honouring your giftedness.

1. A calling is not a clear or straight path. Sometimes you have to take surprising detours along the way, stumble through a lot of undergrowth, and climb over major obstacles. The remarkable thing about all those obstacles and detours, though, is that once you’ve struggled past them, you can usually look back and recognize the value in them.

2. There may not be any “ultimate destination” in the path to your calling. More often than not, the real calling is to the journey, not the destination. Be faithful in the journey and you’re being faithful to your calling. Don’t beat yourself up if you haven’t mastered “who you were meant to be”.

3. Sometimes, just when you think you’ve found exactly the path you’re meant to be on and you believe that you’re doing just what you’ve been placed on this earth to do, the path will begin to fade or lose its interest. It may be time to shift direction again, or stumble in the dark for awhile until a new path emerges. Open yourself up to new learning, even if it seems scary.

4. On the other hand, there will be some moments when, like Moses, you will see your “burning bush” and know undeniably that you are standing on holy ground. It may be a moment when you accomplish something so remarkable that you know it comes from a higher power than just your own (like Moses parting the Red Sea). It may be a moment when you feel a tingling sensation because you know that something you have been inspired to create is truly good.

5. If you find and follow the wrong path for awhile, your body and soul will begin to tell you it doesn’t feel right. Pay attention to the signs. Are you exhausted? Losing your creative edge? Irritable with your children? Stop and listen.

6. Sometimes waiting patiently is the most important thing you can do. When you’ve discovered you may be on the wrong path (or even if you’ve been on the right path but recognize it’s time to change), it’s important to cut yourself some slack and find time for rest, quiet meditation and prayer before you seek a new direction. Chances are the “wrong path” will end up being the “right path” for that period of time because of the things it was able to teach you.

7. Good people will show up along the path to support you. Trust them and be open to them. When you feel that you lack the capacity and strength to fully accomplish your task, perhaps it means that you’re meant to invite someone else onto the path with you – someone who will bring their own giftedness to make the completed task even more beautiful.

8. Sometimes though, the people who show up won’t believe you’re meant to be on that particular path. They may have your best interests at heart and just don’t want to see you (or those around you) get hurt, or they may feel anger or jealousy toward you because you’ve found something they haven’t. Listen to them, if they have something valuable to say, but don’t let yourself be too swayed by their opinions. Remember that they’re just human – these people do not have greater access to truth than you do.

9. You may need to be willing to give up and let go for the path to become clear again. Sometimes rock bottom is the best place to start a new journey. It will be really hard to reach that place and to truly let go of all of your ambitions and dreams, but when you are willing to open your hand and heart and release whatever you’re hanging onto, a brand new beautiful gift may be placed into your open and empty hand.

10. There may be long stretches of time when life feels more like drudgery and just "getting things done" than following some kind of higher calling. That's okay. Just be. Don't stretch too much or try too hard. Maybe it's just your time to live, to support other people in their calling, to hibernate, or to germinate new seeds that will see growth come Springtime.

His arms

2009-07-14T10:14:00.002-05:00

I was going to write something about disappointment today. Something about how disappointing it was to miss a day of my beloved Folk Festival because I was busy vomiting and passing out. Something about how I never felt like I fully engaged in the rest of the Folk Festival because I was weary and still queezy and didn't ever have one of those "lost fully in the beauty of it" moments. Something about how disappointing it was to wake up Monday morning (on my "take an extra day off work just to rest" day) only to rush to the toilet for round 2 of this knock-out illness, whatever it is.

But that's not what came flowing from me when I sat down to write. What did come, instead, was gratitude. Gratitude for the man who looked after me all weekend and so patiently wrapped his arms around me so that I wouldn't injure myself when I fell. Gratitude for his understanding of how important this festival is to me. Sometimes one has to live with disappointment to recognize the beauty in the things you might have missed otherwise. This is for you, Marcel.

His arms

He’s given me so much
So much affection
So many meals
So many affirmations
But today
What I marvel at the most
Are the times he’s given me
His arms

It’s his arms that have held me
When I’ve cried about mean bosses
Or difficult choices

It’s his arms that kept me from falling
When the news of my dad’s death came
And my legs betrayed me

It’s his arms that have caressed me
And made me feel loved
When I wasn’t sure I could love myself

It’s his arms that have wrapped around me
And kept my face from hitting the floor
When sickness stole my consciousness

There is so much of him to love
But today I thank God most for
His arms

I'm back!

2009-07-11T08:06:00.002-05:00

I feel like I've been raised from the dead. Okay, so maybe that's a little over-dramatic, but at least I've returned from that "hanging-over-the-toilet-seat" sickness that feels a little like death. And, trust me, I know how to do that sickness well - complete with fainting spells almost every time I throw up. It's not a pretty sight. (Or so they tell me - I don't remember the part where my body goes limp, my eyes roll back in my head, and I start to twitch and make clicking sounds.)

What a disappointment - to get sick on the first full day of Folk Festival! Julie was sick too, and her and I spent the day in bed together trying not to hate all of the lucky people we know who were enjoying the day at the Festival.

But today I feel human again! Not perfect, but at least human, and I get to go to the Folk Festival! Oh, it's a happy, happy day! The sun is shining, my Mad Nomad chair is waiting, and I might actually be able to muster the appetite for a whale's tail!

It's my 26th year for this pilgrimage - yes, it's just that good!

Creative Sanctuary - a virtual tour and a request

2009-07-08T20:44:00.002-05:00

It all started with an ugly little storage room tucked behind the stairs. Like the ugly duckling though, that little room was destined to transform into a swan. All it took was some hand-me-down carpet, some "leftover from the seventies" fake wood paneling, a little cheap unbleached cotton, an old particle-board desk (from the first year of our marriage), a nearly-broken chair, and some magical shimmery gauzy fabric.

It might not seem like much, but it's a dream come true! I finally have a space of my own where I can create, write, paint, sew, meditate, dream, read, pray, do yoga, and just stare at the ceiling when I feel like it. Want to come for a tour?

Let's start right where I'm sitting right now. It's the "writing/painting/thinking" corner.

Right beside that is the art supply and yoga mat corner.

Above the desk is the "surround myself with creative inspiration from other writers" corner. On the shelf above the books is the Kenyan leadership stick that reminds me to be a bold and courageous leader.

Opposite that is the "dreaming of new possibilities and creating new art" wall.

Above all of that is the best part - the magical, dreamy ceiling! (Yes, I'm sure I'll manage to kill a little time just lying on the floor staring at it.)

One of the things I'm really excited about is that I've also been able to bring in some mementos that remind me of the people who have supported me and helped shape me in this creative journey.

There's the director's chair that my beloved, supportive husband had made for me (back before he was my husband) when I was busy producing one of my first plays at the Fringe Festival. He believed in me then and he still believes in me now.

And there are the two cameras owned by my parents back when they were young and hopeful and looking forward to many long years together. Neither of them would have called themselves artists, and yet they managed to raise four creative children (count them - one, two, three, and four) by teaching us to see beauty in dandelions, frogs, freshly baked bread, sheep, and friendships.

And there's some space set aside for the artwork of my children, who remind me to find joy in dancing in the rain and swimming with your clothes on.

What's missing? Well YOU are, of course! After adding all of those pieces that inspire me, it occurred to me that I'm missing an important section of people who've inspired, encouraged, and cheered me on. Yes, I'm talking about YOU!

Here's the thing... I've saved a space for you...

I've got a bunch of cool swirly clips on a string and I would LOVE to fill that wall with the artwork and little blessings of all of the friends (in person and online) and family who've supported me in this journey. What do you think? Are you in? Would you like to send me a little blessing of some sort? It doesn't need to be much - just a postcard or a card, if that's all you can muster (but I would LOVE some original, creative things meant just for this little space).

If you're in (and EVERYONE is welcome - even the lurkers who don't admit to reading, even the people who've just stumbled on this blog for the first time), let me know in the comments or drop me an email at heatherpl at mts dot net and I'll let you know how you can get it to me. (If you'd rather just send me something electronic that I can print out, that's fine too.) Whatever you create should be approximately 4" x 6" and not too heavy to hang on a string.

What's in it for you? Well, the joy of knowing you've made me happy, of course! But there's more - I'll send you a little something in exchange (that you can hang in your space, or even your bathroom if you prefer). AND I'll give you a chance to be a contributor when I open my new site at www.whatareyougivingaway.com.

Last night, after settling in, I couldn't resist going for a walk to the river just to stare at the full moon. The moonlight reflected on the water, the flickering fireflies in the tall grass, the jumping fish - it all seemed like a special magical blessing from the great creator for all of the things I dream of creating in this lovely space. I hope that you will consider adding your own blessings too!

A room of my own

2009-07-07T22:01:00.002-05:00

There have only been a few years in my life when I've had a room of my own. Growing up, I shared a room with my sister. When I moved away to college and then to the city to start my adult-life-away from home, I almost always shared rooms with roommates and (for a few years) my sister again. There were really only about two years just before I got married that I had my very own bedroom.

Tonight I'm feeling a little giddy, because I finally have a room of my own. It's a tiny little room that's more like a cocoon (only about 7 feet by 10 feet with no windows), but it's big enough for a desk, a chair, a lamp, and some cushions on the floor. I think I can even manage to spread out my yoga mat in here.

I'm blogging from my new little room right now and I feel so very, very happy. Finally I have a space to escape to when I want to do uninterrupted creative things like paint, write, and just imagine possibilities.

I'll write more about it soon - and even post pictures. But for now, I'm just sitting here basking in the glow.

It feels rather serendipitous that I moved in here on the evening of the full moon.

What do you do with criticism when it comes too late?

2009-07-07T11:22:00.004-05:00

He sat in my office, and though it was a few months too late to give me feedback and I certainly wasn’t asking for any now that all was said and done and the plan was well in motion, he said “I think you’re making a mistake. I think you should be doing X and Y instead of A and B.”

I sat there dumbfounded for a minute, and then, more calmly than I felt, I said “I’m sorry, I am no longer soliciting feedback on this issue. I asked for your feedback a few months ago, and since you didn’t offer it then, you have no right to offer it now. I don’t believe I’m making a mistake and I’m committed to the decisions I’ve made.”

A few hours later, after he’d left and my gut reaction had settled from seething to just slightly frustrated, it struck me how significant this conversation was. Not that it was unusual to get unsolicited feedback too late from my staff or co-workers – that happens all the time. What WAS unusual though was the fact that, even though it was a frustrating conversation, it had not ONCE caused me to doubt the wisdom of my decision.

I’ve been taking some fairly bold steps in my day-job lately, and though there are lots of supporters for the path I’m forging, there have been a lot of naysayers too. For whatever reason (uncertainty, fear, jealousy, genuine concern – you name it) boldness always brings out the critics. Constructive criticism during the development phase can be a very good thing (it helped make my idea a whole lot better, as a matter of fact), but the "after-the-fact" critiques just feel like rain on someone's parade.

This realization that I’m getting better at handling it and not letting it send me into a spiral of self-doubt and insecurity was a refreshing and welcome shift. For too long, I’ve let fear of criticism, fear of failure, fear of resistance, and fear of embarrassing myself keep me from boldness. I’ve worked a little too hard at making sure all my decisions were met with acceptance rather than resistance. Let’s face it – I just wanna be liked.

But that’s starting to shift and I’m so grateful. The person who sat in my office and critiqued my plan doesn’t have to like me or my plan. I still think it’s the right plan. The person who made negative comments about the video I executive-produced (after it was completed and too late to make any changes) doesn’t have to like it. I still think it’s good.

What do you do with criticism or rejection – especially the stuff that comes too late? Are you able to rise above and keep believing in yourself? Are you able to continue to face the world with boldness and self confidence?

Today, when you begin to let the critics (either external or internal) eat away at your confidence, stand up and say out loud (even if you just do it alone in your bathroom) “I have not given you permission to dump all over my good idea. I believe that it is good and I am committed to seeing it through.”

Camping

2009-07-06T21:15:00.004-05:00

I'm busy downloading a bunch of pictures from our camping trip this past weekend and I couldn't resist posting this one of my two oldest daughters. It was a lovely time of relaxation with some of our favourite people.